Geoffymas!

Two papers down, all the grading done, one more well under way, a site visit to finish up that requirement tomorrow. The tree is up and decorated. I had a wonderful weekend with Nikki and Scootah and Skeptigal. Nikki unfortunately managed to poison herself with food in Toronto before she came here, so her visit was abreviated and a little subdued but it was lovely all the same. It has been a couple of years since I have seen her and I do miss her an awful lot. Her hubby is pretty cool and I was really glad to meet him. It is quite obvious that he is completely smitten with her, and she with him, so I am really happy for them both. It was also excellent that Skepti got to meet them, as Nikki is a pretty important part of my life.
We all went out for mediocre breakfast on Sunday and then saw the happy couple off to the train. Then came back to unwind some. Sadly then it was time to say goodbye to Skepti as she headed back to Ottawa. it gets a little more difficult each time she has to go back, or I have to come back, however you want to put it, but a few more months and it will be a full-time gig =) The end of May is really not so long... and if the next semester moves as fast as this one did, I will be living in the big O in a blink of an eye. And coming up is Xmas! 2 full weeks in the big city, filled with xmas cheer! I head in next Monday, and will hopefully have all my work completed by that time. It will be nice to have a break, though xmas does not offer much rest time, but it at least will be a brain break.
I think I shall return to the football, but a merry mid-winter to one and all!

Winding down and ramping up

So, One course is complete, the TA work is done with all exams graded and marks submitted, the major paper proposal has been handed in, the interview for the paper on Unitarianism is done. I have to finish writing one more paper, today, invigilate an exam tonight, then Nikki, Scootah and Krista all arrive tomorrow at varying times. A weekend of good friends, love and xmas cheer and then a return to finishing the paper I will work on today. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I supervise three more exam time slots, and work on the Unitarian paper (transcribe the interview, find more sources and maybe even start to write. Work Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and then off to Ottawa on the following Monday for two weeks of xmas, which will hopefully involve some rest. With any luck, I will have the Unitarian paper finished before I leave for the big O, but if not, I will have a week at the other end to finish it up.
Xmas not at home is becoming something I am getting used to, not necessarily happy about but getting used to at least. I was in Calgary for Xmas 2001, Triton for Xmas 2002, Ottawa Xmas 2004 and now Ottawa again for Xmas 2006. I am going to be in excellent company this xmas, I will be with my partner and some of my family, but I most assuredly am going to miss home, Xmas eve with Pat and LA, my annual (sort of) Boxing Day gig, and the traditional New Year's dinner with the whole crew. I will also miss getting to see everyone who has been living away, which is one of the great joys of xmas in NL... but I am not so melancholy about it. I am really looking forward to the Ottawa excursion =) but know, all of you who I will not see, that I will be thinking of you, and often.

Take care and be well friends
G

Seduction? What me?

I die from tired!

Ok, this week has been about as unproductive as I can have been. I did not manage to finish the paper I hoped to finish, I did not manage to get the interview done for another paper, though I did manage to set a date, and I did not get research going on the third paper. I did manage to get the apartment cleaned and the laundry done, I did manage to tell the landlord that my heaters don't seem to function and the toilet tank is running, and I did manage to get out of bed everyday and go to school and work. However, the papers have now become looming distractions that are bearing down on me and my mental well-being. I know I will manage to get them done, but I am having trouble getting motivated, and when I do get motivated, I am having trouble maintaining the concentration necessary to put my thoughts together. Sleep comes in fits and starts right now, usually by 10:00pm I am wiped out and ready for sleep, and I wake several times through the night with my brain alight with all that needs to be accomplished, and then 7:00 - 7:30am every morning I wake up whether I want to or not. I need a week of nothingness, and though I have done almost nothing this week, it still feels like I have had to do many things. I guess I have done a lot, but not of the right things.
Tonight I head to Ottawa for the weekend, and I am muchly looking forward to it. Social contact is something that is sorely lacking in my Kingston existence. I basically go to work, or go to school and that is all I do. Someone asked me the other day what time the bars close in Kingston, and I was unable to answer because I have not been out later than 10:00pm since I moved here. In order to try and rectify the fact that my classmates and I do not do any of the social things together, I have decided to host a potluck next week, and that will hopefully provide a much needed outlet for social interaction in the city. This weekend, I will get to spend with Sceptigal, and have dinner Saturday night with some of her good friends and I am very much looking forward to both. It is funny, in a disturbing sort of way, the less social interaction I have, the more I take on the introvert persona. I crave the interaction, and yet I find it harder and harder to leave the house when I know I have to go into a social environment. It could be that winter is upon us and the lessening amounts of daylight are coming into play, but it feels more than just the usual bout of SADS. I just have to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. May is not so far away, there is much to be done in that time, but ultimately it is only 6 months, and hell I have certainly lived through worse senarios than the one I am currently living in =) I am emotionally happy in most respects, and contrary to the whining, I am enjoying my program.
I guess I just am lonely. I want to have a poker night with the boys, or the international flavours and games nights with Pat and LA, and mostly I want to live in the same city as my partner =)Only 6 months for the latter at least, and two full weeks over xmas will be spent in the nation's capital, which will be wonderful.

Marriaaaaaaage is what bwings us hewre together today!

So, I have not posted in a while. my life has been a whirlwind that does not seem to slow down any at all. School ties up 90% of my time, work consumes another 25%, and then my newly renewed relationship eases out the fact that my time is committed for more time than exists =). Life, it has been said, is a funny thing. And I would have to agree with that. When I left Newfoundland at the beginning of the summer, I had very different goals and viewpoints in mind, in every sense of the word. I saw a long-term future with Jill, and a continued career in the academic world. Sadly, the move, which we had hoped would help fix the issues she and I faced, only caused them to grow and ultimately led to the demise of the realtionship, and my severe need of an acadmic break caused a rethinking of my career moves.
In the wake of that ending a new beginning arose; one that I was not suspecting. A refound friendship with Skeptigal, who also was just out of a relationship blossomed quickly back into the state of being we had obtained before her original move to Ottawa four years ago. Except this time, there was a deeper connection than before. Something was just.... so completely right about the situation. It seemed that we had not really been apart, even though we had for several years. This connection... well the long and short of it, has led me to propose. She has accepted and we are to be married next year, on September 8th in Ottawa. It seems fast sometimes, and perfectly right at the same time. It is truly a wonderful thing. We fit together in ways I couldn't really have imagined. It lends credence to the concept of fate for me, that somehow, this was just meant to be.
I hope everyone is as happy as I am right now, and I hope that you are happy for me as well =)

Busy as the day is long....

Bike riding is no longer a pleasureable way to travel. The temperature has finally dipped and stayed below 10 degrees, we have had snow warnings the past two nights, and some brief flurry activity last night on the bike ride home. I am supposed to be in the downtown location by now, but that has yet to happen. Apparently the next weekend I work, three weeks from now will see me out in the mall for Friday's shift, sat and sun downtown and Monday back out at the mall, and then that is supposed to be the norm until xmas comes.There have been major life changes, some sad, some good, some amazing. School is incredible, and frustrating, and exciting and dull and... well you name it... mostly exhausting. Trying to support myself by work outside of the program is taking its toll and we are only a month and a half in. I feel very connected to others on a personal level, I feel aliented from others on a wider level, and I miss my friends from home every now and then. Oddly enough, though, I don't miss home itself. A week today I am in Ottawa again to write the civil service exams, and to spend time with Skeptigal which I am very much looking forward to. After the exams there will be a trip to Pub Italia to continue my quest to drink my way around the world via their beer menu, and to meet up with Jeff and Brenda. After that a day of relaxation and cuddling, and then back to Kingston to being an insane schedule of marking, paper writing, presentaion preparing, exam invijilating and work. Back to Ottawa the following weekend to scout locations with skeptigal etc and visit the family. The back again to Kingston to present the aforementioned presentation, work some more and research research research. Perhaps there will be some sleeping somewhere alogn the way. Jill will be coming in the first week of November to collect the remainder of her things, and it will be nice to see her and see how she is doing, and maybe meet the mysterious friend of hers.I am loving the fall here, though it is damper than I thought it would be, and I am loving the grad program though it is making my head hurt more than I thought it would and I am in love which carries me through the darkest times... Life is good =) Now if we can eliminate the bike ride, and cut down the external work hours, everything will be perfect =)

Frustrated Inc

Frustrated, Incorporated
Well I know just what you need
I might just have the thing
I know what you'd pay to see

Wow,it is amazing how things can quickly be set off-kilter. Today started as any other day, well not just any other day, but a fairly standard day. Rousing myself into the morning, coffee made, quick phone call to help keep the day happy, and then into both school-like productiveness, and household productiveness. I accomplished much. Dishes are done, this weeks web postings for school are 3/4's complete, I am ahead in my readings. I check the mail and in it there is notification that for my last year of my BA I wsa again appointed to the Dean's List. The extra groud beef is browning as I type. The weekends lasagna is portioned and wrapped and freezing, and I made it to the bank to deposit my check.
When I did so, however, I noticed that I was short, by an amount of $220.70, form my account. This is.... problematic... as rent will be coming out any day now.
So I rushed myself back home (I know my tenses are all screwed up here) and discovered upon phoning my bank that my previous paycheck (not the one I just deposited, but the one before) was returned because my employer's account was NSF. This... concerns me and of course, I cannot find my employer to ask about it, he is apparently inbetween locations. What concerns me more is that it is now too late to apply for any of the on-campus jobs, I have missed the deadline by one week. So if it turns out that my current employers finances are such that I have to worry about every paycheck and I should find a new job, I have missed the window of opportunity because I opted to stay with this employer out of loyalty, then things are about to get very tight.
I feel angry, I feel a little betrayed, and I feel a lot worried. One should not have to wonder if one's paycheck is going to bounce. A phone call right now from my employer would go a really long way to fixing this mood. Hopefully the phone will ring before I head off to work a shift for him this evening.

need another 12 hours in each day

Ok so this week I will hve worked 32 hours at the shop, been in classes for 10 hours, and put in 15 hours of study and writing time. Working while going to Grad school is teh suck! It is supposed to balance out now and I will be working 20 hours in one week and then have one week off, and that should continue through the rest of the term, but it has made this week extremely busy and extremely exhausting. The grad school part is amazingly enjoyable, the having to continue to be a poor student is not =( I am a little frayed around the edges this morning as I sit here at work, reading yet another set of articles and contemplating what to write about for my grad studies posting and am having trouble keeping focus. I really want it to be six o'clock so I can go home to my cosy apartment, curl up with a hot toddy, perhaps read for fun for a while or play a computer game and hopefully chat on the phone until I am ready for slumber. I should probably cook something in there too that I can take to work with me tomorrow. With any luck the rain will have stopped for the bike ride home, the ride to work wasn't bad, but it wasn't what I would call fun either. And hopefully the ride to work tomorrow will be less wet as well.
I can;t believe we are approaching the end of September already. If this iis any indication of how the rest of the year is going to go, then I should be living in Ottawa in no time! The big hope is to finish the course work, spend the month of May researching and then move into the big city to finish writing. I hope to have the paper finished in totality by the end of June, which may or may not be reasonable. It is only a fifty page paper and I should be able to tie my program studies into the Master's essay with little difficulty. SO I say now anyway. It would help a whole bunch if I had a concept more than something on New Religious Movements. Hopefully a little more reading next week that is not directly tied to course work will offer a little illumination.
Hmmm I think I need a Buffy fix..

Today was the meet and greet day for the program. We met the head of the department, met with the graduate coordinator, and my fellow students. Following the afternoon's bureaucracy, we all went out to dinner at a lovely Indian restaurant that is very close to my house. The food was nice, though I have certainly had better, but the company was excellent. The class is comprised of a very diverse group of people who hail from Peru to South Carolina to Washington to Egypt to all over Canada. Each has their own individual research areas and class discussions should be quite enjoyable. I am very much looking forward to hearing their views on the subject material, and on offering my own two cents worth. I will be TA'ing one course this semester and one next semester, on top of taking three courses (maybe four if I am required to add a second language in order to meet my program requirements) It is going to be busy, very busy. I am not sure how I will be able to keep my job at the inkjet place, but I definitely have to have that income in order to survive, so I will have to find a way to make it work. I can always sleep next year :p The courses themselves all seem extremely interesting and I am definitely looking forward to sinking my teeth into the material. In fact, I have already started, which based on the kind of schedule I am looking at seems to blessing... The three courses and the job seem to be survivable, adding the language course into the mix seems to make it prohibitively difficult. Maybe I will have already done enough French that the requirement will be met *fingers crossed* though it definitely cannot hurt for me to do more French. At any rate, I should have an answer on that front tomorrow, for now it is late and I am in need of rest...

What's wrong with the world mama?
People living like aint got no mamas
I think the whole worlds addicted to the drama
Only attracted to the things that bring you trauma
Overseas yeah we tryin to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin
In the USA the big CIA the Bloodz and the Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And if you hatin you're bound to get irate
Yeah madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
You gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love y'all



Overseas bombs are exploding in Turkey, in Afghanistan, in Iraq. People are dying by the tens, by the twenties every day. Canadians are fighting in an American style "War on Terror" where they are dying, Afghans are being killed by Canadians, Afghans are being killed by Afghans. Muslims killing Muslims, Muslims killing Christians, Christians killing Muslims. In Palestine, there are Muslims killing Muslims, Muslims killing Jews, Jews killing Muslims and Christians dying in the crossfire. In Iraq, Muslims try to kill each other and try to kill the international forces, and the American and Briish troops. Throughout the Western World people live lives of excess, and ignore the suffering in their own backyards, yet scream sactimoniously about the abuse of human rights and the importance of democracy. Ask those in the Ninth Quarter in New Orleans if they know where the love is. Ask those dying in suicide bombings or those caught in friendly fire if they know...

It just ain't the same all ways have changed
New days are strange is the world the insane?
If love and peace so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations dropping bombs
Chemical gases filling lungs of little ones
With ongoing suffering
As the youth die young
So ask yourself is the loving really strong?
So I can ask myself really what is going wrong
With this world that we living in
People keep on giving in
Makin wrong decisions
Only visions of them livin and
Not respecting each other
Deny thy brother
The wars' going on but the reasons' undercover
The truth is kept secret
Swept under the rug
If you never know truth
Then you never know love
Where's the love y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the truth y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the love y'all?




A paedophile was extradited from Thailand because of his supposed involvement in the Jon Benet Ramsey case. DNA evidence clears him of those charges. How come his penchant for child porn, and his residence in a country where such crimes against children are rampant, and where he was a school teacher were not enough to extradite him? How come it took a celebrity murder case?

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm getting older y'all people get colder
Most of us only care about money makin
Selfishness got us followin the wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting their young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what the see in the cinema
Whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness and equality
Instead of spreading love, we're spreading anomosity
Lack of understanding, leading us away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling down
It's no wonder why sometimes I'm feeling under
I gotta keep my faith alive, until love is found

In Austria eight years ago, a little girl was abducted. She was ten years old. She was kept in a dungeon by some semblance of a human being. The psychologists are talking Stolkholm Syndrome, CNN's headline reads "Dungeon Girl Defends Captor" This little girl's, now young woman's trauma, is now only sensationalist hard copy. It makes me despair for the world...

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father father father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(where is the lovex3)(the lovex2)

The biggest news story today on CBC was not any talk of the international situation, but instead of the delayed NASA launch. This huge investment in exploring life beyond our planet, in finding ways to live off of the planet. Would we not be better off spending that money fixing the planet we already live on? Would we not be better off ending hunger, finding a cure for AIDS, for Cancer? Why is it so important to explore the boundaries off planet? So many people suffer here every day and yet the big focus is on how terrible it is for the astronaut who has waited 14 years for a RETURN to space to have to wait maybe a month more. We have some pretty fucked up priorities.

We only got one world, one world.
thats all we got one world, one world.
There's something wrong with it, something wrong with it.
Something's wrong with the world world world...
We only got one world one world
That's all we got,

Seems to me that we need to level it all, drop all foreign debts, and local debts, offer free education to every single person. Teach the ethics of sharing, of caring, of loving, and of respect. Respect for our fellow human beings, respect for our planet, respect for the forces of nature and maybe then we can find that love again... I really do believe we had it once, I really do, and that humanity has lost it somewhere along the way. Maybe if we could just get back to the point before nationhood, before religious differentiation and denomination, before skin colour mattered worth a damn.... before patriarchal societies removed women from their rightful places of power and awe... Maybe we could right this sinking ship...

Sometimes I feel like I need to be more involved in being a part of the solution instead of part of the problem =(

eerily calm

There is a strange quiet in the house and a strange calm that has settled over both Jill and I. We talked and started sorting out who was getting what, what she was selling to me, what she is selling to the public etc. She has an exit date now, she will be leaving the apartment on the weekend of Sept. 10th and heading either to Oakville or KW, situation depending. her sister is going to come down with a truck, so she won;t have to rent one, and she will move off into her new life, wherever that will take her. I wish her well on her journey and I hope she finds happiness in whatever she chooses to do. We both talked today about how weird it seems. We both feel like we should be upset, and yet, neither one of us is. Certainly there have been emotional moments but they largely seem to be behind us and now we are just going through the motions of sorting everything out so that there can be some sort of closure for us both. It is a happy / sad feeling. I am glad she is heading off to pursue her dreams, and I am glad that we are able to part as friends, but it is a sad thing too, we have been living together for the last year and a half or there abouts, and you can;t spend that amount of time with someone without some residual emotions. There will also be an adjustment period, once the house is empty. It will be interesting, somewhat exciting, as it has been a long time since I have lived alone, and it will be lonely, as it has been a long time since I lived alone. The last time, really, was in Calgary and there were so many negative things that happened to me there that it is difficult to guage just how lonely it will be.

I shouldn't complain so much about Calgary. Yes, it was a horrible time in my life, physically, mentally, socially, emotionally... but it lead to two of the very best things to ever have happened to me. It started the pinwheel in motion for me to go back to University, and discover some of my hidden talents, and the other... well the other is deserving of many entries, so I shan't go into it this evening. But I digress...

The next little while is going to be extremely interesting in my life, and for the most part, I am looking forward to it =)

weight loss and weirdness

Ok, so I have been in Kingston for 2.5 months, and since I started working (read since I started cycling to work) I have lost 18 pounds and counting. The scales read 238 this morning before I left the house. This is the first time since I moved home from Calgary that I have weighed less than 240. My shorts now hang off me in that bad white rapper way. There has been some dietary change, but not a concerted effort to be dieting, just regualr exercise, which is somehting I simply have not been physically capable of in the last few years. I have had to use the cane once or twice since I have started cycling agian but nto very often and only if I know I am going to be walking for an hour plus. It still feels odd to walk without it, like I am forgetting something every time I leave the house. and walking is still awkward, as my body tries to adjust to carrying its own weight again. When I am walking any distance without the cane I feel a little off balance, like I have an inner ear infection. I don't have any such issues on the bike, however.
That being said, the last couple of rides have really physically hurt (especially the ride home last night in the thunderstorm). My back is doing ok, though a little sore, but my legs are bearing the brunt of the punishment. I find if I miss a day riding at all, I really feel it on the next ride and at the same time, after riding three or four days straight, my legs just want to stop. The numbly tinglys in my hands come back by the third or fourth day of riding too and don't go away really until I don't ride for a day. It poses an interesting dilemna, for on the one hand, the weight coming off me is an excellent thing, and I feel better than I have in years. On the other hand, I worry that I might be beating myself up a little. The bike really is the only feasible way to get to and from work. I can ride for the 20 - 30 mins and be there ready to go, or I can walk for twenty minutes, cacth a bus, transfer to another bus after a 7 minute ride and take that bus to work, for another seven minute ride. Or, conversely I can catch one bus down to Princess, transfer to another there, take the transfer to the Kingston Centre and get another transfer to catch the seven minute ride to work. Needless to say I am unimpressed with the bus system here in the friendly town of Kingston.
Home life is odd. That is really the only way to describe it. Jill and I have slid into being reluctant roomates while she looks for a place to live. We are getting along ok but we are definitely wary of infringing on the others territory, and being as it is a one bedroom apartment, that territory is very small. She has the living room and I content myself with living in the bedroom as much as I can. Hopefully she will find a place that she is happy with soon so that we can both move through to the next step in recovery from our ended relationship. It is impossible to do while we are under the same roof. We are friendly and civil to each other, and each of us wants to make sure that the other is doing ok, but it is odd and awkward.
Other than the weirdness, things are ok. I am heading out tomorrow night to meet a friend of Tattoist Krys (http://www.troubleboundtattoos.com) who lives around the corner. it will be my first non-couple social activity in Kingston. He is having me over for dinner and then a bunch of his friends are coming over to watch a movie (Rent, I believe, I am such a sucker for a musical *grin*) I am nervous about it and excited about it too. It will be nice to have some buddies here in the city. Then next week, Pat and Liza-Ann and Mark will be coming for a visit, and I am very excited about that. The week after that will Mom and Dad coming for a visit for a couple of days, and that is excellent as well. Then it is time for orientation and registration and the start of the program, which I am immensely looking forward to, though a little concerned at the prospective workload.
That's all the update news for now...

beginning from the end

So last night we had the talk about who is staying, who is going, who gets what, who needs what. It was a surreally calm affair. No doubt an undercurrent of emotion but mostly we agreed it just felt weird. Mostly I am just glad decisions are being made that will benefit the both of us. I want her to be happy, she is good people. I want her to be healthy, happy, and progressive in her life so she can find something truly rewarding and someone truly deserving.

We both agreed that we had different visions and concepts regarding where this was going and what we wanted and somewhere over the last year we fell not only form the same page, but as it turns out, we were reading different books.

I will be staying in the apartment, she will be looking, she will take whatever it is she needs without leaving me stranded. We decided on what amicably. I will need to get a microwave, a loveseat, and a toaster or toaster oven. I will build her a computer, give her the DVD player, etc. The kitchen stuff will get split down the middle, and she gets the AC unit and well, it goes on... it is all very mundane. It is all material and strangely unimportant and at the same time it is very important to me that she take whatever it is she needs to be comfortable, even if it means sacrificing my own comfort. Part of that is probably guilt, but more so it is because I know I can manage at any comfort level, I have lived at a lot of different stages of comfort and I know I will eventually find peace with whatever I have or don't have.
I could however, use some advice on some spiritual cleansing for both myself and the apartment. Send it my way if you can =)

and now the grande finale

Jill is leaving. Our relationship is done. I won;t get into the details here because I know it upsets her, but the plan as it stands now is for her to find an apartment or maybe move somewhere else, I don't really know, I just know that it she wont be living here anymore and I ache inside, for my pain and for her pain and I am sorry it had to end this way

Depression Diet Plan is in effect!

Well the revolving door that is in control of my moods has made a definite swing for toward the negative. I have hit the shakey point of not being in controil of my tears or emotions. Things at home are not good, things in my head are not good, and the time cannot tick fast enough to turn into September where I can use my escapist tactics to sink fully into the program. I hurt inside, and it is difficult to drag myself out to work today. there are moments when everything is fine, and then there are moments of panic. I know this is what the meds ar efor, and I have broken down to take an ativan, but I sure as hell can't stand having to do so. at any rate, keep your fingers crossed for me, say a prayer if that is your thing, but keep a thought or two for me for the next few days please...

weary

I feel old. Today I just feel really old, and tired. I am not sure of the root of it, just an over-all mental and physical exhaustion. The bike ride yesterday in 40 degree heat may have some part in it, as I am sure, does the muscle relaxant before bed last night, but even more than that I jeust feel burnt out. There is no real reason for me to be feeling this way that I can pin-point. I guess my mind is working in overdrive mode, even when I am unaware that it is happening.

Beginnings III

The person in the next room had obviously decided not to accept his fate as calmly as Thomas had. They were throwing something against the glass panel set in the doorframe. The glass itself was safety glass and had wire run through it to prevent such an attempt at escape but with enough force, the glass itself could shatter and then it would just be a matter of trying to find a way to bend the wire out of the panel. Thomas considered this course of attack as the crashes repeated from the next room. Finally, he heard the glass break, followed by a voice of his inmate neighbour. The voice held a jubilant note but it was overshadowed by a crazed quiver of fear. Obviously, whoever it was had not counted on the wiring holding through their barrage. As the cries went up, Thomas again slid into memory.

He had sat there in the alley, staring at the bottle, complete with the requisite paper bag. He laughed at the stereotype he suddenly found himself a part of; homeless, alone and out of options. All he wanted was to fall asleep and not wake again. He cracked the top of the bottle and took a long draught from the cool glass. The taste was not at all what he was expecting and not at all as unpleasant as he had expected. It wasn’t exactly good, but neither was it horrible. He drank deeply a second time, this time a little too fast and found himself coughing back up half of what he had drank. As Thomas recovered, he took note of his surroundings for the first time. Directly across from him was a brick doorway that had been closed in. At one point, perhaps, it had been the back entrance or service entrance to one of the many night clubs in this area. Now it was simply a barrier. A little further down the alley was a fire escape that was rusted and quite obviously broken at the joint where the ladder met the landing. It swayed slightly in the night air, creaking with a noise that seemed to obliterate the sounds of the city that was all around him. Below the fire escape sat a dumpster that had seen better days. The hinged top was nowhere to be seen and the sliding door on the front had been beaten into a shape that was almost unrecognizable from its former self.

“Much like himself,” thought Thomas.

He took another long pull from the bottle and then glanced up. Light was spilling down from the apartments that sat on top of the bars and storefronts. There were no laundry lines in this part of town, he noted. The balconies/ fire escapes were bare, and many of the windows were open. The sounds of different types of music and television shows all filtered down to Thomas’ ears, even overriding the groaning metallic creak of the broken ladder. One sound in particular seemed to ring louder than any of the others. It was the sound of a woman’s voice. She was softly singing along to something coming from the stereo. He didn’t recognize it but he could make out some of the words.

Tomorrow I was nothing, yesterday I'll be…

……………………………………………………………………

Nothing in this room but empty space

No me, no world, no mind, no face

But it was the voice, more so than the lyrics that grabbed his attention. The sounds were almost ethereal in nature, ghostly and barely above a whisper, yet they sounded so loud and true against the din of the city. Suddenly everything went black. All sound, all light disappeared in a single instance. It took several seconds for Thomas’ eyes to adjust to the newly darkened alley. By the time that they had, the silence brought on by the blackout was beginning to fill with the sounds of confusion. People were stumbling around their homes, trying to find candles or matches. A dim glow began to creep out of each window as people found alternatives to their electricity.

Thomas glanced along the alley again. At the entrance, he could see people moving back and forth along the main stretch of sidewalk. Occasionally a car went past, and the headlights split the darkness of the night like a spear. Each passing vehicle meant a minute of readjustment to the now limited lighting and Thomas was forced to shield his eyes whenever a vehicle went by. He took another long drag from the bottle and then absentmindedly tossed it towards the dumpster. The clatter that the bottle made as it hit first the lip of the dumpster and then shattered was matched by another loud crash.

“Wait,” thought Thomas, “it didn’t happen like that.”

Once again he was brought around by the sounds from within the building. The klaxons had ceased at this point, and the traffic outside the building was now non-existent. His neighbour had managed to get the wires twisted in such a way as they were able to get their arms out, from the sounds of it. And now, whoever was next door was tearing their skin against the bits of metal and broken glass. The screams were a mixture pain, ecstasy and fear. But now there was more than just his next-door neighbour’s voice. He could hear several more voices in the mix. Some were coherent enough to use words, others just let out shrieks of panic and pain.

Thomas decided to take stock of his situation, he glanced at the clock.

7:06

“Well at least it doesn’t read 666,” he said aloud.

lyrics from K's Choice "Believe" from the Cocoon Crash album, 1998.

Beginnings...

The next couple of paragraphs in the story

He watched the growing chaos outside the window with a kind of resigned detachment. He couldn’t get too upset about his current circumstance as he had brought it on himself. With a regretful smile he thought back to the day he had arrived at Cromwell Industries. It had really seemed like the only logical choice at the time. He had lost his job when the tech bubble burst and he found himself stuck in a rut of attending interview after interview, only to be told too often that he had either not enough or too much experience for the position. He saw the faces of the others in the interviews, and knew he must look exactly the same way. It wasn’t so bad for the first few months. He had the package he had been given when the company bought his position out but that slowly began to wear away. The credit cards slowly became maxed, and the stresses had begun to grow on his relationship with Susan. She had been understanding at first but could not seem to understand why he was having such difficulty in finding work. Eventually she had written him off as being lazy and had subsequently written him out of her life. Next to go was his car, repossessed by the bank for failure to pay, and soon after he lost his home. Nowhere to go, he had tried to stay at the hostel until he found work but on the second night his clothing and his possessions, including his resume disks, were stolen. It was at that point that something inside Thomas simply went away. There was no snap, no dramatic breaking point, just a hole where a piece of him used to be.

He left the hostel that night and found himself walking the busy downtown streets. On the surface, you would say that nothing in his town had changed. The theatres were bustling, and the bars did not look to be hurting for business. Neither were the drug dealers or hookers looking like they were seeing a slowdown. Yet the number of those sleeping in alleys did seem to have increased, and now Thomas was one of their numbers. He passed an all night liquor store and used his last twenty dollars to buy the biggest bottle of malt liquor he could find. He had never in his life tasted malt liquor but it somehow seemed appropriate given his circumstance. He found a small alley and sat down with his bottle.

A loud noise brought him back from his reverie. He tried to find its source but he could not seem to focus on anything in the room, anything except the clock.

5:55

He had been launched into his past memories for more than an hour. The scene outside his window was now one of mass confusion. A heavy rain had begun to fall during his absence, and the clouds that had rolled in had replaced the grey with an ominous black, casting a surreal hue over the land. Cars were sliding form the wet roads and there was no longer any pretense as to obeying traffic laws. People were fleeing from something. the alarm sounded again and again Thomas could not tell if it were coming from inside the building or out beyond the walls. A second loud crash, seeming to come from the room next to his brought his surroundings sharply back into focus.

3 days in the valley

ok well not in the valley, but on the lakefront at the very least. I have done three shifts at the ink refilling spot. So far so good. That also means three days of bike riding, which is also so far so good, although I am certainly feeling it today. The job is such that I should be able to study on slow nights, which it appears many will be. The owner is a very nice man, and the manager seems like a good guy. The work itself is repetitive but has the added bonus of showing immediate results, which is always good =)
Sleep has once again become a foreign concept though. I am just not able to get there, and when I am there, I am not able to stay there. too much running aounrd in my head I guess. I will be glad when the semester begins so that I can focus all of this mental energy into my studies. Physically I am doing ok, mentally, a little... suspect but this too shall pass =)
I spoke to my good friend Vicki last night, she is off to her MA at Simon Frazier University. She already has waaaaay more information from her university than I do. I hope that is not a sign of things to come.
Today is my day off this week. I am going to celebrate it by doing laundry!

the best way...

to write again is simply to begin writing again I think. So, here it goes.

Thomas sat staring out the window at the world outside his current abode. It was a grey day, with wind gusting occasionally and rain that speckled anything in its path. He noted, with a bemused grin, that everything, even the most vibrant colours looked dull and uninteresting. He watched as cars travelled along the narrow road that lead to the former base hospital that was now his regular home. There were puddles forming in the ruts of the road and anytime a vehicle moved through them, there was a a spray thrown up that was reminiscent of a ships wake on the water. Any pedistrian in the area was forced to dodge this deluge of muddy water, as the motorists paid little heed to anything other than their wristwatches. Thomas glanced, almost absent-mindedy at the cloak on the pale institutional green wall.
4:44
He found it interesting to note that it always seemed to be a time such as that whenever he looked. The last time he had turned away from the window it had been 2:22. He turned his gaze back to the great grey wastes that lay outside his perch. The traffic was intensifying now, nothing coming towards the building, but many vehicles moving in the opposite direction. In the distance, or what he perceived to be the distance, he could hear an air raid siren and instructions on where and how to evacuate. He could no longer tell if the sounds were coming from inside or outside the building, they had faded into the background of his consciousness and were fast on the way to becoming nothing more than white noise.
After all, they didn't really apply to him. No one had come to unlock the door to his room, and the bustle in the hallways outside had gone from rapid to frantic to closing in on silent. There would be no evacuation for either he or the others who had been admitted with him. Each would be left to their own devices in their solitary rooms as whatever the warnings predicted came to fruition.

don'tcha hate it when....

you start to write something and suddenly realize that someone has written it far better than you already. Damn you Billy Corrigan!!!!

Honestly"

I believe
I believe
I believe
I believe the love you talk about with me
Is it true, do I care
Honestly, you can try to wipe the memories aside
But it's you that you erase

'cause there's no place that I could be without you
It's too far to discard the life I once knew
Honestly, all the weather and storms I bring
Are just a picture of my needs
'cause when I think of you as mine
And allow myself with time
To lead into the life we want
I feel loved, honestly
I feel loved, this honestly

I believe you mean the best that life can bring
I believe in it all
Honestly, you can try
Your heart is just as long as mine
Is it ours to let go

'cause there's not place that I could be without you
It's too dark to discard the life I once knew
Honestly, a single wrong is not enough
To cover up the pain in us
'cause when I think of you as mine
And allow myself with time
To lead into the life we want
I feel loved, honestly
I'll make a joke so you must laugh
I'll break your heart so you must ask
Is this the way to get us back
I don't know, honestly
I don't know, this honestly

There's no place that I could be without you
Honestly

There's no place that I could be without you
There's no place that I could gleam without you
There's no place that I could dream without you
There's no place that I could be without you
Honestly

and then another!!!!! he stole my creative genius away I tell you!!!!

El Sol"

empty-armed
and half a soul to go

and all i wanted
was you here next to me
a little sunshine and sympathy

now everybody knows
that i've been hanging down so low
'cause now i'm feeling up
soon i'll be feeling out so cold
wondering, will you call
and now i'm feeling high
soon i'll be feeling left for dead
sometimes someone saying yes
changes what you'll bet

and all i wanted
was just to hold you close
a little sunshine
just to butter my toast
and your love next to mine

i had to let you know
that we were meant to be just right
heaven sent, not sympathized
by everybody's lie
and now i'm feeling high
now i'm feeling left so dead
kicking up the dust in bed
wondering, i guess

sunshine
sunshine
sunshine
and some tea

and your love
your love
your love next to mine

i had to let you know
i had to let you go so i
could see my lie fade from your eyes
and to my surprise

that's what i wanted
it's all i wanted
it's what i wanted
me and you

sunshine
sunshine
sunshine
and some tea

that's all i wanted
it's all i wanted
that's all i wanted
it's all i wanted


*sigh* I had those thoughts, those ideas and he pressed them first! I have been robbed I tell you, robbed!

missing muses

I used to write, write a lot, and quite often. I used to have a lot to say... on politics, on sex, on love. I used to write what was in my heart, and in my head and I was unapologetic about it. I wrote poetry, short stories, commentaries, rants, hell even movie reviews. And somewhere along the way I stopped, I started writing short little blog entries, here and on blogspot. Updates, often without substance, devoid of any deeper meaning. I wonder what happened.
I went back over some projects I had done for a WebRing called Fugue and some of them were actually quite good. Even some of the poetry was good. I still don't know what happened, why I lost my muse or when it happened, but it did.
Today there is so many thoughts that swirl around my conscious and my subconscious mind. So many ideas and arguements and laments and stories that are aching to get out, and yet I cannot find the drive to write, can;t find the right vehicle to express myself. It is frustrating... I don;t think it is writer's block so much, as the ideas are there. There is something more to it, but I don't know what that something is. Perhaps it was because I got out of habit, perhas because I focused my creativity into my school work, perhaps it is because I became worried at offending anyone who might read what I wrote. I just don;t know. All I know is that I miss it.

exciting day

Ok today has been somewhat exciting. It started with breakfast at the greasy spoon around the corner, which, as always was great. Did a load of laundry and as I was hanging it on the balcony to dry, I received a phone call from a place I had put a resume in. They wanted to interview me on Monday, but as I will be in Ottawa next week, they decided to fit me in today. The interview went very well. Small family run organization, does inkjet refills, nice people from what I can tell. It is in the Frontenac Mall which is about an hours walk, by my estimation... but I decided I would do something aboutt hat on the way home from the interview. I passed a rather seedy looking used sport's shop and bought a bike that was priced at 45 bucks but managed to get it for 30.
Now, I have not ridden a bike since before my back injury. That is 8 years ago now. Turns out, you never really forget. I managed it without any hassle for the first part of the trip home =) but my thighs certainly let me know Iwas using muscles I have not used in a long time after about half an hour. But still it was a major achievement.
For those who don't know, I used to be very active with my mountain bike. I rode everywhere. It was one of the things I really and truly missed after the back injury. Back home, it simply wasn't an option. The coniditon of the roads and the steepness of the hills meant I was not able to ride. The potholes were bruatl and one of them could have destroyed my back altogether. Here, there are very few hills, and the ones that are here are on easy inclines. So I had been toying with the idea for a little while. The 30 dollar price tag, however, clinched it for me. It isn;t a great bike, and several years ago I would have scoffed at getting CCM mountain bike. I was far too snobish with my GT, and later my Trek. But these days all I need it for is reseaonable transportation and moderate exercise. I will be able to ride it to school and (hopefully) work most days, into at least December and then start again in March. It will help me physically a fair bit (once I get used to riding again) But I have to tell you, in spite of the pain and the current temperature (it is 31 degrees celcius before humidex here) it felt amazing. It felt great to have the breeze in my faces as I rode toward home. The fram is a little small for me, the chain needs oil and I need a helmet, a lock and a set of hand grips, but other than that, the gears work fine, the peddles are strong and the wheels and breaks seem to be in decent shape.
I figure at 30 bucks, if I ride it to and from work (hopefully) at least three times, I will have paid for the cost of it outright =) so if it lasts at least that long everything is good =) and should it get stolen, enh what odds. If it had been one of my 1500 bikes that I used to own it would have been a huge issue, This one... it is only 30 bucks =)
On a sad note, someone whom I worked with a great deal in theatre, and the father of a good friend of mine, Dick Bheuler passed away this week. I wish I could be there for the services. But anyone out there who reads this and who knew Dick, they have asked for donations to be made to the scholarship fund in his name. You can do so by sending a check to Memorial University of Newfoundland for the Dick Buehler Award in Theatre through the Office of Alumni Affairs and Development, 20 Lambes Lane, St. John's, NL, A1C 5C7.
Hope you are holding up ok Mike, and I hope the rest of your family is as well, thinking of you

Thousand Islands

So Jill's mom is here with us for a few days... in our one bedroom apt. Sure is cosy. Though I shouldn't complain I suppose. She took us out to Gananoque yesterday to do the three hour boat cruise through the Thousand Islands and it was stunning. The weather was perfect, I got to work on my farmer tan... and the scenery was just frickin gorgeous. Plus it was a boat tour, and anytime I get to spend on or in water is usually a good thing.
Still no luck on the job front but I think I have things covered to get us through to September... just means there will be no house-outfitting spree in the fall...
I have been devouring textbooks for the upcomging program... one down the second one in progress and two more to read while I spend the next week house / dog sitting for my brother in Ottawa. I am looking forward to that very much. They are leaving me the house and a car... so I can get myself hopelessly lost in a new city.
One of the profs posted a syllabus for the fall for one of the three courses we will be doing. lotsa reading, at least I am going to be a little ahead of the game and will have the stuff read, hell maybe even somenotes taken on it by the time we start =)

age discrimination

it is funny how things work in a circular pattern. 10 years ago this year, I got married ( I have since been divorced). At that time my wife was a mature student working on her Masters at a Uni in NL. She had a hell of a time trying to find work for the summer months because she was too old (she was several years older than I). Too old meaning that all of the student employment projects are geared to those under 30. I am 37... that rules me out. I had a chance at a couple of interviews today, only to have to turn them down because they are a part of the federally funded work projects, which require that the student be between the ages of 16 and 30. I can understand the need to set up youth employment and job experience programs for the younger, and newer workers in the work force, but I don;t believe that if you are a full time student, you should be excluded from working due to your age. I am a full time student. I do not have the ability or luxury of being independently wealthy, and I have to work hard at the school end of it to maintain my grades to achieve scholarships and fellowships so that I can continue my academic career. I should not be penalized on the job front because I happen to be a decade or two older than my fellow students. The fact tremains I need a temporary position, just for a couple of months, until the fall semester starts. My age should be irrelevant to this process.
I remember watching my ex-wife go through this hassle, and how frustrating it was for her, trying to finish her degree and trying to survive on top of that. Now it is my turn. I was understanding then, as my current partner is now, but it is a struggle to say the least.

idle

Idle hands may be the devil's playthings but idle time is depression's playground...

I'll take job hunting for $500 Alec

There are few things as degrading as trying to find work, I am out there applying for part time positions in shit jobs, just tofind something to tide me through the summer. So far the only call back interst I have received is to work at a job I would sooner pull my toenails out than do... call centre work for an inusrance company... oh boy oh boy, that will be poeasant. The work is evening and weekends which adds to the suckiness. I have been dropping resumes at Blockbuster, Chapters / Indigo and every other bookstore in town, computer stores and retail type outlets... to no avail... no one wants to hire astudent in this town... they are all looking for full timers to be full time come the fall. Ahhh well I will keep fighting the good fight, so to speak...

Salon article

I found this article through Suicide Girls and all I can say is Horray for someone representing my views in the presses! Horray for BBW's the world over! Man I love curvy women!

what to do, what to do

ok, so I don;t know what to be doing with all this time off. I feel a little useless. When I am working or in skill I have forseeable, obtainable goals, with structure and schedule created for me. This emptiness of nothingness is... troublesome for me. Today I did my hour of walking, started back into my Chinese studies, made breakfast, did dishes, did laundry... and now it is three o'clock in the afternoon and I am unsure as to what to do... I can start supper in an hour... that is something... I could log into the game, if the game was not in patching mode... I have read most of the latets Ian Rankin novel over the past 48 hours, before that was a Kathy Reichs novel, which took another 48 hours...
Guess I will look at what other clothes I can give away so as to make what I own fit into the dresser...

From Sceptigal's journal...

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the coolest book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.

Mine was...

Da zhong shu dian zai nanhua lu dong kou lu bei nei ge da shu dian jiushi

roughly translated as the only Chinese bookstore in south China is on the north side of the intersection... or something like that.... I have much work to do =(

Beginning Chinese reader, Part I, 2nd edition by John DeFrancis

We have arrived

So here we are in Kingston, mostly unpacked... waiting patiently for the bell telephone guys who were supposed to be here Monday to fix our phone... Today will be the second all-day appointment I have to sit through in trying to get a usuable telephone line. The cable guy is supposed to be around today too... not sure what happened, we had the few freebie channels for a night and a day and then they just stopped working. But we did get an amazing deal on cable service so now we just have to wait for the install to happen, hope it is in time for the hockey game tonight...
We have a whack of resumes printed off for Jill so she can start the job search whilst I await our all day appointments. And the internet connection seems more stable in the daytime as opposed to the night. So I am writing this update in the hopes that the connection will remain solid enough to get it all out =)

The trip up was looooong... We set out on the road a wek ago... day one we drove to LBI and spent the night with Mom and Dad... the cats were troublesome for the first couple of hours but they settled in fairly well after that. Day two was only a drive to Port Aux Basques, and then a 10 hour wait in line at the terminal to make sure we coul get on board. We could not get a cabin as they were all booked and we were not allowed to make a reservation because a U-Haul is a commercial vehicle, so we had to take the sleeping bunks. That was alright except for the beginning and the end. The start of thevoyage saw a whack of ex-pats heading to the mainland to find work. They were convinced that the answer was independence, after all "we had done just fine by ourselves before." Amazing how selective memory, or the reading of history can be. We did not do "just fine" before... we fell apart each and every time we tried for self-governance... anyway, that is another rant for another day. Then one of the old-timers took out his accordian at 11:30 at night and began to play, poorly, I might add. Thankfully the expats took their pseudo political argument down to the bar and the old fella put the squeeze box away and I was able to tag about 5 hours of sleep before the morning rousings. We had a small breakfast on the boat and unloaded at 7:30am. I was under the impression that the ride to Edmundston would take 8 - 10 hours.... that was apparently an estimate from someone who never ever drove the speed limit. The truck wasn't really up for speeding, and I don;t like to do it anyway, least of all with Jill, the cats and everything we own in the back.... so... 12 hours later we make it to Edmundston and crawl into our beds, after putting in for a wake up call for 7 the next morning.
We enjoy the free continental breakfast that the Comforrt Inn offered and set out on the road again. As soon as we crossed into Quebec, the "service engine soon" light came on. We stopped and checked everythign out (as well as anyone with no clue about how an engine works canfigure anything out... check the oil, check the transmiussion fluid, check the radiator coolant, check the power steering fluid) and everything seemd to be ok, so we set back on the road again. We decided to grab a spot of lunch inQuebec, but as it turns out, the time changed from New Brunswick and into Quebec, so we had a second breakfast instead. We choose, for some ungoldy reason to eat in Levis... all I saw was a McDonalds sign that spoke of being close to the highway... I had no idea Levis was as big or as busy as it is, horray for my Newfoundland naivite... after maneuvering the truck around some questionably sized streets and having our order wrong at the McDonalds it was time to set out once again... the next travel through would be Montreal... we hmmed and hawed around the map trying to find what my br0other had recommended.... the 20 - 10, not the 20 - 40... Jill decide dthat she would find us a route and that she did =) and we tried to find it... somehow we stumbled ontot the 20 - 10 anyway, and then slwoly made our way through Saturday afternoon traffic in the big city... it was Hell. an accident slowed everything to a standstill... until we got passed it and then the angry french drivers decided to make up for lost time... I just continued along in my center lane just hoping to stay in the right lane to get me to the 401.
Finally crossed into Ontario, the "service engine soon" light was swtill on but the truck seemed to be surviving, if starting to act a little sluggish... and we found one of those Ontario tourist chalet chummies and got a map of both Kingston and Ontario... and the lady was kind enough to highlight the street and the exit in Kingston for us so we could find it... finding the apartment building once we got here was the easiest thing in the world, finding the landlord no so much.... after much putzing around, we finally got into the place.. and debated on how much to unload... we did a couple of hours and called it a night... and then next day the joys of unloading became primary... with Jill working the apartment end and me unloading it all and dragging it up three flights of stairs. no fun... from here on in movers do the work... not me, I am too old and broken for this sort of thing anymore.
So that brings us up to date... we have explored the city a little... we live close to downtown and relatively close to campus... lots of different restaurants etc... I have a campus tour tomorrow with one of my fellow grads who did her undergrad at Queen's so I will get sorted out then... for now I am going to make coffee and lie down some more I think... it has been a crazy week...

officially...

I R HEDUMACATED!

Phew! Glad that wig out is over...

Well glad I got that out of my system yesterday =) amazing what a 10 hour shift with nothing to do can do to your mind... today is a 13 hour one but I have books this time! they shan;t fool me again, no sir! =)

The next two weeks are going to be crazy. Tuesday I collect my gown for convocation and have grad photos done. Wednesday I convocate, then lunch with the folks and then a celebratory evening for family at the place the folks are staying. Thursday I work 4 - 10, Friday I work 5 - 10. I am assuming some sort of family affair on Saturday as the clan will be around. Sunday is my nephew's Christening, and then festivities to follow. Monday is the last night hanging with the guys, Tuesday is load the truck and then the Rels Studies Society is having a fairwell dinner thingy for me. Wednesday is drive to Little Bay Islands day, thursday is drive to Port Aux Basques and catch the night ferry, Friday is drive to Edmunston for a stay at the luxurious Comfort Inn. Saturday is drive to Kingston day and unload what we need for that night. Sunday is unloading the rest, buying groceries etc. and Monday is returning the truck. Then a slow and painful unpacking process and getting to know a new city, followed shortly by trying to find a part time job, with any luck at a Chapters or some such =)

and then a summer free of academia... lots of reading for fun, lots of video gaming, lots of walking in the summer sun =) at least I hope so at any rate =)

WTF?

Sometimes I wonder just what the fuck I am thinking....

We're going down, down, in an earlier round
and Sugar we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
a loaded God complex, cock it and pull it...

nothing good ever comes of me leaving the province, except coming home again...
again... wtf am I thinking?

cold feet I guess...

fun with Bush!

Head here to manipulate bush! fun fun!

having a moment, move along, nothing to see here, just a hedge

i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
i wear my crown of shit
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
i am still right here
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way

Stephen Harper Eats Babies

A couple of days ago in the Globe and Mail, this story ran. Horray for hackers! Sadly the commentary afterwards left a lot to be desired, the pro-harper camp proving just how much of a sense of humour our new conservatives possess. The sad truth of it is however, that Harper, through his new system of freeing up taxes on the welltodo and increasing taxation on the lowest income earners in the country means he really is eating babies metaphorically. The poor can't afford to feed themselves while the upper classes continue to live a life of excess. How can it be seen to be reasonable to increase a tax on lower income groups and decrease it for higher income groups? It makes no sense to me. Everyone is applauding the reduction of the GST, by a whole 1% but wouldn't it be better to take it off things like electricity and telephone service as these really are essentials in this day in age? You can't really survive todaywithout electricity and you can;t get a job without having a phone, hell you can't even get EI or Social Service without having a contact phone number and yet there is a 7% tax on both services. Sorry, now a 6% tax on those services.
Yes a large purchase will show that one percent, but how about everyday small purchases... not every sector of society can afford to buy a $600,000.00 house, or a $60,000.00 car or even a $30,000.00 car.
Another point... why is the personal tax deduction limit not equal to the poverty line? If anyone who is making under $16,000 a year is living in poverty by national standards, why is the personal deduction limit $7700? The Harper government is busy pretending to care about the people of Canada but all they really care about is the upper eschalons. Those who need the system the most are left behind in the wake of Conservative big business agendas. And people seem to be buying into it becase they will save one cent on the dollar. Enjoy the babies Mr. Harper, I hope you choke on their bones

Day Three and counting... only 29 more to go

So it is Day 3 at the inlaws... and it isn't bad... just restrictive. And I don't mean solely in a "can't get nekkid" kind of way. Thye have another houseguest currently, whose wife is in hopsital, and he has the guest room while Jill and I are crammed into the office. This means that when her step-dad needs the computer, or needs just to check email, we have to scram out of there, so I am kind of in a state of limbo, nowhere to retreat to, and that always makes me just a touch uncomfortable.
The move went as well as can be expected, the storage locker is chokoblock full and we had to give up our beautiful couch as there just wasn't any room for it. We gave it to Value Village, beautiful black leather sofa with nothing wrong with it except that it is huge and we have no room, either in the truck or in the one room apartment we will be moving into in June. It broke my heart a little. it is the nicest piece of furniture I have ever owned, or co-owned and to have to just give it away was a bit of a test... but it is afterall, just stuff... and stuff comes and goes. It does not define me or make me who I am, it is just an acoutrement.
Money has become a little more scary. One of my sources for funding this excursion to Ontario has been faced with some unforseen difficulties and will no longer be in existence. That leaves us at least $1000.00 short, which will make this summer very interesting indeed. Although I think Jill has her finger on the pulse of another source, so with any luck we will be ok.
I have already hit boredom stages. I don't have enough time to get into anything really and have no space to occupy to do so anyway, until we eventually move into the guest room, if we eventuall move into the guest room. Thankfully some wonderful neighbour out here has an unecured Wireless Internet connection, so I am able to get internet anywhere in the house! So me and my laptop have been cruising around various seating locations, trying to find the most comfortable.... kitchen table it is right now...
I want to make the move now... this waiting around is for the birds... but not too much longer... patience and perseverance will be the key. The family will all be in town soon and that is something to look forward to and it is really only a matter of weeks, so no doubt ti will pass quickly... next week once I am back at distance education, ontop of the jb at Timemasters, I will at least have my weeknights occupied... and that is good... now if I can just find a way to sleep throughthe morning comings and goings all will be well. =)
Be safe and well friends =)

Now there is the waiting...

Classes are done, my last ever at Memorial unless I end up teaching there =) It is kind of bittersweet, and has not entirely sunk in yet. I have three exams at the end of the exam period, nothing I am worried about. We move into Jill's Mom's place for the month of May, I convocate on the 24th of May, my nephew is batized on the 28th of May and then we hit the road on the 31st. The apartment is lined up, On Stanley St in Kingston. Tomorrow I call to try and get the phone, internet and cable set up so that we can arrive and have the amenities all established =)

I turned 37 yesterday. It was a good day, we went and had crappy greasy wonderful breakfast =) and then had a decently relaxing day until we went out to Bitters for a few hours where I imbibed a few Strongbow. We then all came back here to hang out and I imbided much vodka. I am paying for it today but it was needed =) A good time was had by all =)

I will be able to keep my job at Distance Education for the month of May so there will be a bit of income to take away with me at the very least =) oh my email addresses will be changing at the end of April, so please all update to geoffseymour@gmail.com as I have no idea how long the MUN account or my sympatico accounts will remain active. If you are looking for the address in Kingston, email me and I will send it on over =)
that is all for now I think, there is golf to watch =)

A Revolution Without Dancing is not Worth Having

I just came from seeing V For Vendetta If you haven't seen it yet, go, head directly to the theatre and sit yourself down and be prepared to think about what ultra-conservatism can lead to. Now I know that purists will say that it was not true to Alan Moore's original vision, and they are right. It isn't the same... it is just as powerful, just as poignant, and just as topical as the original was, but in different ways. Whereas the original was meant to be a social commentary on the Thatcher government and what it could lead to if allowed to go unchecked. It turns out that the Blair government is not so different than the Thatcher Regieme and therefore, the message in V rings loud and clear in today's world. There is also a great socal commentary on homophobia, racism, and stereotyping and what they too, can lead to.
The real message is for freedom, freedom of thought, freedom of expression, freedom of sexuality, freedom of belief and freedom of the human spirit. All of these are rights that have been logn and hard fought for, and to let go of any ground in those areas because of the propaganda our governments and our media would have us believe is to lose what it means to be free. Don't let governments into the bedrooms of the people, don't let them regulate a woman's right to choose, or a person's sexuality. Don't let the government, or the media, or the sponsors, such as the major drug companies, dictate what it is you get to see and hear.
At the same time, freedom of speech does not mean the freedom to oppress others with your words. Hate is not freedom of speech, it is oppression.
What needs to be embraced are universal ideals. The kind expounded in most of the world's major belief structures, before jealous and celibate old men rewrote them. Don't do to others what you would not have done to you, or do unto others as you would hve them do unto you, or just treat others as equals, be nice, share, get along.... respect. But don't allow your respect to stand if it is not returned. Reciprocity is a Confucian tenant, but it is there in many other faiths and philosophies. When someone stands to take away your civil liberties, there is no longer reciprocity, there is only oppression. Then the time is not to lie down and take it, but to stand against it.
Ok, yes I am on a soapbox here, but it is my soapbox damnit =) and yes the movie has stirred some of the revolutionary blood within me, or in honour of St. Paddy's day, got my Irish up a little. One of the first areas, along with basc civil liberties that starts to disappear is the arts. Music, poetry, plays, novels have all been vehicles for subversive ideas, and remain one of the main areas that get censored at the first opportunity. If you don;t believe me, ask the musicians in Cuba who have spent so many years behind bars for doing nothing more than playing music deemed to be contrary to the revolution. "Writers use lies to tell truths, while politicians use them to hide truths." There are many truths to be found if you know where to look for them.
I hope that George Bush, Tony Blair, Stephen Harper, Jacques Chirac, and all other leaders who would try to remove civil liberties are made to sit down and watch this. Bush would probably just not get it though... Blair would get it but would be too afraid to admit he was one of the oppressors. Harper would insist that he has the will of the people and Chirac would simply be indignant at beng questioned. After all, young workers should be able to be fired without any reason or notice given, right? (Which, by the way, is a ludicrous way to try and solve your unemployment. It just means that young workers will be taken advantage of, given no job security or promise of future, and companies will be able to fire them at will any time they get to close to obtaining benefits packages. It is a short term solution without any foresight and discriminatory to an entire sector of society... just in case you were about to sing the praises of the French for staying out of Iraq)
There is a frightening rise in rght-wing conservatism around the world right now, brought on by extremist attacks and fear mongering promoted by the media and the drug companies who would sell you no end of anti-depressants in order to mae the world seem less frightening... just don''t let them... it is very hard to kill an indeal, especially one that is in the right... Just remember.... Keep dancing and be free... enjoy the beauty of the freedom and never let the sight of it go....

Happy Trails... again

I am going away... again. I have been offered the MA program at Queen's University in Kingston Ontario. It is fully funded and will pay for all tuition expenses, provide a TA / RA position to the tune of $9000.00 for the year, and also provide an extra $5000.00 in funding. I am excited, terrified, strung out and trying desperately to figure out how to survive between now and September. We are moving up on the 31st of May, we will truck across the island to Jill's Dad's place in Pollard's Point, and then catch the ferry on June 1st, the night time run from Port Aux Basques. after the crossing we will drive drive drive... I don;t know where we are going to be stopping for the night yet, haven't planned that far ahead, but then one night somewhere and then finish the run into Kingston the following day. We have an apartment booked, and I should have enough money to handle the first two months for rent. August is more troublesome, will need rent and loan payments for that, and May is troublesome as well, as we still do not have a place to live for that month... couple of options but nothing definite yet...
My convocation takes place May 26th at 10:00 am. I know I will be able to keep my job at the store for the month of May but I will probably not be able to keep my job at Distance Ed. So May will be extremely tight.
But can I just say....... WHOOOOOHOOOO!!!!!
I also have received offers from MUN and from Laurier, but I have made the final decision on Queen's based on the funding and the fact that it is a one year program, which will get me into my PhD all the sooner. I am wating for the graduate co-ordinator to phone me as I type this, so we can discuss the program, but my mind is set at this point and plans are in motion. Things are falling into place, now all I really have to do is to come up with the $116.95 I owe the school, so that I can, in fact, graduate. =)

Another day older and deeper in debt

I can't get ahead. I just can't seem to get ahead. The cost of living seems ot keep getting higher and higher, and my paychecks don't seem to be getting any bigger. On top of classes I am now working six days a week, and it sucks. Granted the hours still only total to about 30 but I can;t do much more with classes and homework besides. I don't think I have made a lot of stupid financial decisions lately but it surely seems like I have somewhere along the way. I am in the negative numbers in my bank account and I have to come up with $175.00 extra by the end of the month or I can't graduate in May like I am supposed to. I am two months behind on all bills except light and power... and somewhere in all of this I have to move at the end of april, which will mean a need of a downpayment...

Its funny you know, all I really need is five hundred bucks and it will set the ship right, at least for a little while... I am running out of things to sell, though, and burning the candle at both ends in order to try andf get sorted. Five hundred bucks surely seems like a small amount of money... but when you don't have any, it becomes this an overwhelming amount. I could surely use a scholarship coming through round about now =) but I can't exactly place my eggs in that basket.

I have been invited to present one of my papers at the Candian Society for the Study of Religion conference at York at the end of May, but I can't see a way to afford that either. Fiorst of all there is a 50 buck membership fee in the society, and then there is travel expenses and accomadations etc. this again is an area where the money would have to come from nowhere, and there are travel grants supposedly available through the CSSR, but I can't seem to find any information on them.

I am tired of the money game, it is making me crazy. I don't exactly live a lavish lifestyle, thoguh I am not living a terrible one either... hopefully the new apartment will be a touch cheaper, and hopefully I will get a scholarship or a grant or some such to even out the bills... perhaps is time to seriuously assess my possessions and see what I can sell off, once again, though I am indeed tired of having to rebuild every time... perhaps I need to roll the pennies and buy a lottery ticket =)

Just a glimpse

I am not one for wanting to know what the future brings, even though I do like to plan ahead. I am pretty good at taking life as it comes and managing on a day to day basis. But right now, I would give anything for just a peek at the next few months... say, as far forward as September. If it were September, I would know which school I am attending, I would know what apartment I am living in, I will know what province I am in, and I will know if I am really cut out for this grad school thing after all. (I would also know the results of the NFL draft, and know whether my Jets have even half a shot this year :p)

All Existence is suffering,
suffering is caused by craving,
cravings can be ended
by following the Eight Fold Path

That is the four noble truths of Buddhism, a belief system I am becoming more and more intrigued with. It certainly sums up some of my current situation... I am craving knowledge of what has not yet happened. It is making me nervous, anxious, angry, tired and frustrated. More so, in following Buddhist doctrine, my cravings have to do with the belief that I have a permanent self, which, according to Buddhism, I do not have, but because I think I do, I suffer. The me that is now will not be the same me that is then...

The magical Eightfold path can be found here

If I abide by all of these, then I can end my suffering... do you suppose that is really true? I guess my illusion is that I already live by those things. Perhaps Ineed to live by the precepts as well? But I would make a lousy monk, I like sex too much...

Ultimately, I don't really believe in reincarnation either. I believe we have this one shot to get it right... what I don't understand is why, through every attempt, there is only more challenges, more adversity, more disfunction? Why can't things just be.... righ, for once? To have everything functioning in harmony with everything else in my life... I htought I had it once, but it slipped from my grasp and I was left with a heavy heart and an empty home... I grow weary of character building experiences and all I really want is to settle into a regular paying gig where I can clear up my debts, be able to come home to a happy and safe household, curl up next to the one I love and eventually drift into peaceful slumber.

Are those cravings so very wrong?

Anger Management

I don't know that I have ever been so angry. The apartment building we live has presented several "unique" challenges to our being able to live "peaceably," and when the fire alarm went off, not one night, but two nights ina row at the charming hour of 3:00am, it was the last straw in being able to live peaceably. SO, we gave our notice, a full month and a half. However, the property management company is refusing to admit that the list of problems are enough to envoke the "living peacably" clause in both the landlord tenants act and the rental agreement with the rental company. The customer service agent gave me the number of the leasing supervisor, and I have been dilligently calling him for over two hours now and he is not returning my calls. This afternoon, we are supposed to sign a lease on the new property, and we cannot get any response from this man. The rental company is insistant that we pay rent for the month of April. (Our lease was to expire in April anyway) I htink I am being more htan fare by agreeing to pay rent in two locations for the month of March. The list of complaints ranges from vandalism and graffitti in the hallways, to the constant smell of drugs throughout the building, to finding human feces all throughout the stairway and all over the handrails, to someone breaking into the laundry room and trashing the washing machines with a crowbar or a hammer or some such... and it goes on really.
To their credit, they have been swift to respond to each individual crisis, but they are not able to find a way for these incidents to stop. It is supposed to be a security building, but it apparently matters not that these things keep happening. The other tenants in the building make this an unsafe place to live, where we can no longer live "peaceably." It is not like we are trying to skip out on the place. We are trying to be above board about it, give them as much notice as is possible to give, and yet, that is not good enough. They are going to make us jump through the hoops, ring the bells and whistles, etc. Well, if they think I will rolll over on this and not take action, they are sadly mistaken. There will be letters to the editors to each newspaper, in particular the student newspaper, being as students are a large number fo their tenants. There will be letters sent to NTV, CBC, VOCM and any other news agency I can think of. There will be a letter written to the Residential Affairs division, and lastly, when they try to keep my security deposit, I will attend a hearing to make sure that I receive the 450 dollars in security deposit that I have paid.
But the gentleman is still not returning my calls. I get his voice machine. So I phone it every fifteen minutes or so, and will continue to do so until I get confirmation one way or the other as to how this is going to procede.

Your Life: The Soundtrack
Opening credits:	Secret Nation - Bung
Waking up:	City Full of Cowards - Lowest of the Low
Average day:	Gotta Decide - The Soviettes
First date:	I am the Man - Philosopher Kings
Falling in love:	Bring Me to Life - Evanesence
Love scene:	Closer - NiN
Fight scene:	Trip Like I do - Filter w/ the Crystal Method
Breaking up:	The Scientist - Cold Play
Getting back together:	Why Do You Love Me? - Garbage
Secret love:	Stand Inside Your Love - Smashing Pumpkins
Life's okay:	Bottle of Fur - Urge Overkill
Mental breakdown:	The Wretched - NiN
Driving:	War Pigs - Black Sabbath
Learning a lesson:	Everything - Fur Packed Action
Deep thought:	Bach Cell Suites - Yo-Yo Ma
Flashback:	Gotta Get Away - Stil Little Fingers
Partying:	Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
Happy dance:	Extrordinary - Liz Phair
Regreting:	Bleed A Little While Tonight - Lowest of the Low
Long night alone:	Black - Pearl Jam
Death scene:	Take this Waltz - Leonard Cohen
Closing credits:	Bullet Find Me - Bung
Take this survey | Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d

Gotta Decide

i wanna be somewhere
where i know that i'm gonna do something
i wanna get somewhere
and i know that i've gotta decide
if i can leave somewhere
where i know i might never do nothing
i've never been so scared
and i know i might run out of time
I wanna be somewhere where i know that i'm gonna do something
(I wanna be somewhere where i know that i'm gonna do something)
i wanna get somewhere and i know that i've gotta decide
(i wanna get somewhere and i know that i've gotta decide)
if i can leave somewhere
where i know i might never do nothing
(i don't wanna jinx it
and i know that i might not make it
but i've gotta believe that i'm gonna be fine)
i've never been so scared
and i know i might run out of time
I wanna be somewhere where
i know that i'm gonna do something
i wanna get somewhere
and i know that i've gotta decide
if i can leave somewhere
where i know i might never do nothing
i've never been so scared
and i know i might run out of time
i might run out of time
(don't wanna hope cause i don't wanna jinx it)
i might run out of time
(and i know that i might not make it)
i might run out of time
(but i've gotta believe that i'm gonna be fine)
i might run out of time

Thanks to the Soviettes for this little gem of a song. Kinda what I am feeling career -wise right now. Falling prey to the travel lust that I am so prone to get. Falling prey to want for a more financially stable life... the fear that i won;t be able to find one, the fear that I am not going to cut it in the academic circle, the fear that I have just about earned another totally useless degree... Some big decisions rapidly approaching... some very scary realities... once again having busted my butt for... an indeterminate outcome.
My brain is tired. I know this because I am forgetting things like the date, the time, and simple math... and where I put things down... Today I apparently rewached over and turned my alarm off when it went off... I don;t have any recollection fo that, and trust me, that never happens... I missed my bus, and thus missed my first class which I htink may have put me out of contention for a decent mark in the course, being as the mid-term is on Friday of this week. Now the question is whether I drop it (and subesquently loose $775.00 off my next loan) or stay in it, getting a lesser mark (and subsequently losing my good GPA, taking me out of the running for future funding)
Big decisions

i wanna get somewhere
and i know that i've gotta decide
if i can leave somewhere
where i know i might never do nothing
i've never been so scared
and i know i might run out of time


So what happens if I am not cut out for the upper eschelons of academia? I do excellent research and I write well, but I suck at finding an argument to go with my research. I suck at the thesis part of a paper. Everything I write is too descriptive and not answering enough questions... and I am not exactly sure how to fix that. Maybe it is a skill that gets honed in the graduate level of study... I should be fairly good at it, being as I have just about finished a history degree, and that is what history is all about... but the thesis part just does not come naturally to me. I love the researching part, and I enjoy writing up my research... but I continually get the same criticism of my work; that I am far too descriptive and not argumentative enough.

I am scared of what the future holds. The Buddhists would accuse me of not living in the now and ignoring the world around me. But I don't feel conected to that world right now. I feel disconected from everything... I have definitely lost the Dao, to cross up differing religious themes...

Perhaps I should set about some time the run of a day to start meditation of sorts... but I never seem to get my brain to slow down enough to do it properly...

I would like to move, to experience a new school, a new city. But that never works out the way I hope it will. Money again becomes the big ogre... how to finance the next stage of my education. I have a provisional acceptance here, and I know they will offer me funding. $7500.00 in fact, so schools form away willl have to do better than that by at least the cost of the move. Not sure what I am looking at in those terms, it is a wholem new aspect of the academic world that I am just not familar with.

i've never been so scared
and i know i might run out of time
i might run out of time
(don't wanna hope cause i don't wanna jinx it)
i might run out of time
(and i know that i might not make it)
i might run out of time
(but i've gotta believe that i'm gonna be fine)
i might run out of time

And perhaps that is the biggest fear of all... time... I turn 37 in April. At best, I finish my degree in five years. That makes me 42 before I start working, which means I will only have roughly 20 years of working, providing, of course, that I find a job upon graduation. Ten of those years will be spent paying back my student loans. the next ten will be spent paying into RRSP's in order to make sure there is something there when I retire... all I can see is having to live life like a student until I am retired, which will most assuredly suck.

Time and money... a future of uncertainty... and a knot in my stomach...

I gotta decide...

Lost

I'm lost... I am completely unable to see around the next bend, and it drives me completely crazy. School has become mediocre as I wind my way through the final semester of my BA... My relationship is good on so very many levels and yet it is lacking in one of the areas that defines me as a person. Sexual tension is boiling over and I don't know what to do about it. We have been living together for nine months, and stopped having sex approxiamately five months ago. She has lost all her drive and nothing seems to be working to bring it back. So I am left in a frenzy of masturbation and anxiety. She swears she is still attracted to me, but just has no want to have any sort of sexual activity. This is where I get lost... attracted to, but not wanting sex... I don't understand... maybe it is a testosterone thing, the reason why I can;t understand it... Sex is an integral part of who I am, and I am terrified that there is a pattern repeating. My marriage was like this. We became rommmates rather than lovers. But in the marriage, we didn't discuss it. because she didn't want to discuss anything until it was too late to fix anything. At least in this relationship we discuss it, but it isn't getting sorted out. There simply are no carnal relations.... and when that hapens... my mind starts to wander... and my gaze... at any other point in my life I may have ended the relationship, or might have started fooling around, or began to find ways out... but I don;t want this relationship to end... I want it to be complete...
I hate not knowing how to fix it. She has talked to the doc abotu it, and was on anti-depressants for a while but she did not find that they were helping her, so she has stopped taking them... but has not gone back to talk to the doctor again, either... this is all fine... it is her body chemistry and she most assuredly has the right to dictate what she does to it. But I guess what I am not seeing is an effort to make things better, to get it back to where it used to be.
I do understand that there is a certain rate of diminishing passion, I expect a little of it, after the honeymoon period is over... but... not for it to stop altogether... I am having a very difficult time reconciling this and I really am at a loss as to what direction to turn, and how to discuss it further, beyond where we have been. I am trying to be a patient man, I really am, but damnit I am getting tired of the twice daily visit with my rght and as well. There is only so much porn can do for you... anyone have any thoughts, similar experiences, fixes?