What's wrong with the world mama?
People living like aint got no mamas
I think the whole worlds addicted to the drama
Only attracted to the things that bring you trauma
Overseas yeah we tryin to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin
In the USA the big CIA the Bloodz and the Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And if you hatin you're bound to get irate
Yeah madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
You gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love y'all



Overseas bombs are exploding in Turkey, in Afghanistan, in Iraq. People are dying by the tens, by the twenties every day. Canadians are fighting in an American style "War on Terror" where they are dying, Afghans are being killed by Canadians, Afghans are being killed by Afghans. Muslims killing Muslims, Muslims killing Christians, Christians killing Muslims. In Palestine, there are Muslims killing Muslims, Muslims killing Jews, Jews killing Muslims and Christians dying in the crossfire. In Iraq, Muslims try to kill each other and try to kill the international forces, and the American and Briish troops. Throughout the Western World people live lives of excess, and ignore the suffering in their own backyards, yet scream sactimoniously about the abuse of human rights and the importance of democracy. Ask those in the Ninth Quarter in New Orleans if they know where the love is. Ask those dying in suicide bombings or those caught in friendly fire if they know...

It just ain't the same all ways have changed
New days are strange is the world the insane?
If love and peace so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations dropping bombs
Chemical gases filling lungs of little ones
With ongoing suffering
As the youth die young
So ask yourself is the loving really strong?
So I can ask myself really what is going wrong
With this world that we living in
People keep on giving in
Makin wrong decisions
Only visions of them livin and
Not respecting each other
Deny thy brother
The wars' going on but the reasons' undercover
The truth is kept secret
Swept under the rug
If you never know truth
Then you never know love
Where's the love y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the truth y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the love y'all?




A paedophile was extradited from Thailand because of his supposed involvement in the Jon Benet Ramsey case. DNA evidence clears him of those charges. How come his penchant for child porn, and his residence in a country where such crimes against children are rampant, and where he was a school teacher were not enough to extradite him? How come it took a celebrity murder case?

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm getting older y'all people get colder
Most of us only care about money makin
Selfishness got us followin the wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting their young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what the see in the cinema
Whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness and equality
Instead of spreading love, we're spreading anomosity
Lack of understanding, leading us away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling down
It's no wonder why sometimes I'm feeling under
I gotta keep my faith alive, until love is found

In Austria eight years ago, a little girl was abducted. She was ten years old. She was kept in a dungeon by some semblance of a human being. The psychologists are talking Stolkholm Syndrome, CNN's headline reads "Dungeon Girl Defends Captor" This little girl's, now young woman's trauma, is now only sensationalist hard copy. It makes me despair for the world...

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father father father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(where is the lovex3)(the lovex2)

The biggest news story today on CBC was not any talk of the international situation, but instead of the delayed NASA launch. This huge investment in exploring life beyond our planet, in finding ways to live off of the planet. Would we not be better off spending that money fixing the planet we already live on? Would we not be better off ending hunger, finding a cure for AIDS, for Cancer? Why is it so important to explore the boundaries off planet? So many people suffer here every day and yet the big focus is on how terrible it is for the astronaut who has waited 14 years for a RETURN to space to have to wait maybe a month more. We have some pretty fucked up priorities.

We only got one world, one world.
thats all we got one world, one world.
There's something wrong with it, something wrong with it.
Something's wrong with the world world world...
We only got one world one world
That's all we got,

Seems to me that we need to level it all, drop all foreign debts, and local debts, offer free education to every single person. Teach the ethics of sharing, of caring, of loving, and of respect. Respect for our fellow human beings, respect for our planet, respect for the forces of nature and maybe then we can find that love again... I really do believe we had it once, I really do, and that humanity has lost it somewhere along the way. Maybe if we could just get back to the point before nationhood, before religious differentiation and denomination, before skin colour mattered worth a damn.... before patriarchal societies removed women from their rightful places of power and awe... Maybe we could right this sinking ship...

Sometimes I feel like I need to be more involved in being a part of the solution instead of part of the problem =(

eerily calm

There is a strange quiet in the house and a strange calm that has settled over both Jill and I. We talked and started sorting out who was getting what, what she was selling to me, what she is selling to the public etc. She has an exit date now, she will be leaving the apartment on the weekend of Sept. 10th and heading either to Oakville or KW, situation depending. her sister is going to come down with a truck, so she won;t have to rent one, and she will move off into her new life, wherever that will take her. I wish her well on her journey and I hope she finds happiness in whatever she chooses to do. We both talked today about how weird it seems. We both feel like we should be upset, and yet, neither one of us is. Certainly there have been emotional moments but they largely seem to be behind us and now we are just going through the motions of sorting everything out so that there can be some sort of closure for us both. It is a happy / sad feeling. I am glad she is heading off to pursue her dreams, and I am glad that we are able to part as friends, but it is a sad thing too, we have been living together for the last year and a half or there abouts, and you can;t spend that amount of time with someone without some residual emotions. There will also be an adjustment period, once the house is empty. It will be interesting, somewhat exciting, as it has been a long time since I have lived alone, and it will be lonely, as it has been a long time since I lived alone. The last time, really, was in Calgary and there were so many negative things that happened to me there that it is difficult to guage just how lonely it will be.

I shouldn't complain so much about Calgary. Yes, it was a horrible time in my life, physically, mentally, socially, emotionally... but it lead to two of the very best things to ever have happened to me. It started the pinwheel in motion for me to go back to University, and discover some of my hidden talents, and the other... well the other is deserving of many entries, so I shan't go into it this evening. But I digress...

The next little while is going to be extremely interesting in my life, and for the most part, I am looking forward to it =)

weight loss and weirdness

Ok, so I have been in Kingston for 2.5 months, and since I started working (read since I started cycling to work) I have lost 18 pounds and counting. The scales read 238 this morning before I left the house. This is the first time since I moved home from Calgary that I have weighed less than 240. My shorts now hang off me in that bad white rapper way. There has been some dietary change, but not a concerted effort to be dieting, just regualr exercise, which is somehting I simply have not been physically capable of in the last few years. I have had to use the cane once or twice since I have started cycling agian but nto very often and only if I know I am going to be walking for an hour plus. It still feels odd to walk without it, like I am forgetting something every time I leave the house. and walking is still awkward, as my body tries to adjust to carrying its own weight again. When I am walking any distance without the cane I feel a little off balance, like I have an inner ear infection. I don't have any such issues on the bike, however.
That being said, the last couple of rides have really physically hurt (especially the ride home last night in the thunderstorm). My back is doing ok, though a little sore, but my legs are bearing the brunt of the punishment. I find if I miss a day riding at all, I really feel it on the next ride and at the same time, after riding three or four days straight, my legs just want to stop. The numbly tinglys in my hands come back by the third or fourth day of riding too and don't go away really until I don't ride for a day. It poses an interesting dilemna, for on the one hand, the weight coming off me is an excellent thing, and I feel better than I have in years. On the other hand, I worry that I might be beating myself up a little. The bike really is the only feasible way to get to and from work. I can ride for the 20 - 30 mins and be there ready to go, or I can walk for twenty minutes, cacth a bus, transfer to another bus after a 7 minute ride and take that bus to work, for another seven minute ride. Or, conversely I can catch one bus down to Princess, transfer to another there, take the transfer to the Kingston Centre and get another transfer to catch the seven minute ride to work. Needless to say I am unimpressed with the bus system here in the friendly town of Kingston.
Home life is odd. That is really the only way to describe it. Jill and I have slid into being reluctant roomates while she looks for a place to live. We are getting along ok but we are definitely wary of infringing on the others territory, and being as it is a one bedroom apartment, that territory is very small. She has the living room and I content myself with living in the bedroom as much as I can. Hopefully she will find a place that she is happy with soon so that we can both move through to the next step in recovery from our ended relationship. It is impossible to do while we are under the same roof. We are friendly and civil to each other, and each of us wants to make sure that the other is doing ok, but it is odd and awkward.
Other than the weirdness, things are ok. I am heading out tomorrow night to meet a friend of Tattoist Krys (http://www.troubleboundtattoos.com) who lives around the corner. it will be my first non-couple social activity in Kingston. He is having me over for dinner and then a bunch of his friends are coming over to watch a movie (Rent, I believe, I am such a sucker for a musical *grin*) I am nervous about it and excited about it too. It will be nice to have some buddies here in the city. Then next week, Pat and Liza-Ann and Mark will be coming for a visit, and I am very excited about that. The week after that will Mom and Dad coming for a visit for a couple of days, and that is excellent as well. Then it is time for orientation and registration and the start of the program, which I am immensely looking forward to, though a little concerned at the prospective workload.
That's all the update news for now...

beginning from the end

So last night we had the talk about who is staying, who is going, who gets what, who needs what. It was a surreally calm affair. No doubt an undercurrent of emotion but mostly we agreed it just felt weird. Mostly I am just glad decisions are being made that will benefit the both of us. I want her to be happy, she is good people. I want her to be healthy, happy, and progressive in her life so she can find something truly rewarding and someone truly deserving.

We both agreed that we had different visions and concepts regarding where this was going and what we wanted and somewhere over the last year we fell not only form the same page, but as it turns out, we were reading different books.

I will be staying in the apartment, she will be looking, she will take whatever it is she needs without leaving me stranded. We decided on what amicably. I will need to get a microwave, a loveseat, and a toaster or toaster oven. I will build her a computer, give her the DVD player, etc. The kitchen stuff will get split down the middle, and she gets the AC unit and well, it goes on... it is all very mundane. It is all material and strangely unimportant and at the same time it is very important to me that she take whatever it is she needs to be comfortable, even if it means sacrificing my own comfort. Part of that is probably guilt, but more so it is because I know I can manage at any comfort level, I have lived at a lot of different stages of comfort and I know I will eventually find peace with whatever I have or don't have.
I could however, use some advice on some spiritual cleansing for both myself and the apartment. Send it my way if you can =)

and now the grande finale

Jill is leaving. Our relationship is done. I won;t get into the details here because I know it upsets her, but the plan as it stands now is for her to find an apartment or maybe move somewhere else, I don't really know, I just know that it she wont be living here anymore and I ache inside, for my pain and for her pain and I am sorry it had to end this way

Depression Diet Plan is in effect!

Well the revolving door that is in control of my moods has made a definite swing for toward the negative. I have hit the shakey point of not being in controil of my tears or emotions. Things at home are not good, things in my head are not good, and the time cannot tick fast enough to turn into September where I can use my escapist tactics to sink fully into the program. I hurt inside, and it is difficult to drag myself out to work today. there are moments when everything is fine, and then there are moments of panic. I know this is what the meds ar efor, and I have broken down to take an ativan, but I sure as hell can't stand having to do so. at any rate, keep your fingers crossed for me, say a prayer if that is your thing, but keep a thought or two for me for the next few days please...

weary

I feel old. Today I just feel really old, and tired. I am not sure of the root of it, just an over-all mental and physical exhaustion. The bike ride yesterday in 40 degree heat may have some part in it, as I am sure, does the muscle relaxant before bed last night, but even more than that I jeust feel burnt out. There is no real reason for me to be feeling this way that I can pin-point. I guess my mind is working in overdrive mode, even when I am unaware that it is happening.