plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose

It’s that time again for the latest mid-life crisis. Number 15, I think? Still broken, still hurting from the inside out, still unfulfilled, still stuck in the not-knowing, still unable to function like a real person. If only I were a real boy... be careful what you wish for Pinocchio.

This is going to be very much a stream of consciousness post - to see if I can shake loose some of the cobwebs and spark some of the necessary cognitive functions.

Blurry

Puddle Of Mudd

LYRICS

Everything's so blurry
And everyone's so fake
And everybody's empty
And everything is so messed up
Pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I'll protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
Imagine where you are
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far

Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well ya shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well ya shoved it in my face

Everyone is changing
There's none left that's real
To make up your own ending
And let me know just how you feel
Cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I will save you
From all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far

Nobody told me what you thought
Nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Told you when to runaway
Nobody told you where to hide
Nobody told you what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Showed you when to runaway

This pain you gave to me

You take it all
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me

They aren’t the greatest band in the world but they spoke to me at a certain point in my life - one that I felt and indeed feeel shortchanged on. Too many moving parts, too many variables, too many things unresolved, left unspoken and now there is only the hint of a connection in anonymous Sahara posts.

I am out of step with everyone around me. I am out of place and out of time - seemingly in many aspects of the phrase.  

I don’t know how to change it anymore - I don’t know how many more times my Phoenix can rise from the flames. Each time it gets a little harder and each time I am a little weaker. I am no longer at the point where character-building experiences are doing anything but breaking me down. 

I’ve been unable to write, academic style, fiction, blog, anything at all. I have been unable to read save for a few pages here and there. All I can ant to do is knit and wait for it to be summer so that I can knit outdoors in sunshine. 

I want to hide away from everyone and yet want to embrace everyone as well. I am a limping contradiction in just about every way. I am no longer able to function in the real world in any sort of meaningful way. 

I keep searching, reaching, yearning for something I can never have. 

And it’s tearing me in two...