Gotta Decide

i wanna be somewhere
where i know that i'm gonna do something
i wanna get somewhere
and i know that i've gotta decide
if i can leave somewhere
where i know i might never do nothing
i've never been so scared
and i know i might run out of time
I wanna be somewhere where i know that i'm gonna do something
(I wanna be somewhere where i know that i'm gonna do something)
i wanna get somewhere and i know that i've gotta decide
(i wanna get somewhere and i know that i've gotta decide)
if i can leave somewhere
where i know i might never do nothing
(i don't wanna jinx it
and i know that i might not make it
but i've gotta believe that i'm gonna be fine)
i've never been so scared
and i know i might run out of time
I wanna be somewhere where
i know that i'm gonna do something
i wanna get somewhere
and i know that i've gotta decide
if i can leave somewhere
where i know i might never do nothing
i've never been so scared
and i know i might run out of time
i might run out of time
(don't wanna hope cause i don't wanna jinx it)
i might run out of time
(and i know that i might not make it)
i might run out of time
(but i've gotta believe that i'm gonna be fine)
i might run out of time

Thanks to the Soviettes for this little gem of a song. Kinda what I am feeling career -wise right now. Falling prey to the travel lust that I am so prone to get. Falling prey to want for a more financially stable life... the fear that i won;t be able to find one, the fear that I am not going to cut it in the academic circle, the fear that I have just about earned another totally useless degree... Some big decisions rapidly approaching... some very scary realities... once again having busted my butt for... an indeterminate outcome.
My brain is tired. I know this because I am forgetting things like the date, the time, and simple math... and where I put things down... Today I apparently rewached over and turned my alarm off when it went off... I don;t have any recollection fo that, and trust me, that never happens... I missed my bus, and thus missed my first class which I htink may have put me out of contention for a decent mark in the course, being as the mid-term is on Friday of this week. Now the question is whether I drop it (and subesquently loose $775.00 off my next loan) or stay in it, getting a lesser mark (and subsequently losing my good GPA, taking me out of the running for future funding)
Big decisions

i wanna get somewhere
and i know that i've gotta decide
if i can leave somewhere
where i know i might never do nothing
i've never been so scared
and i know i might run out of time


So what happens if I am not cut out for the upper eschelons of academia? I do excellent research and I write well, but I suck at finding an argument to go with my research. I suck at the thesis part of a paper. Everything I write is too descriptive and not answering enough questions... and I am not exactly sure how to fix that. Maybe it is a skill that gets honed in the graduate level of study... I should be fairly good at it, being as I have just about finished a history degree, and that is what history is all about... but the thesis part just does not come naturally to me. I love the researching part, and I enjoy writing up my research... but I continually get the same criticism of my work; that I am far too descriptive and not argumentative enough.

I am scared of what the future holds. The Buddhists would accuse me of not living in the now and ignoring the world around me. But I don't feel conected to that world right now. I feel disconected from everything... I have definitely lost the Dao, to cross up differing religious themes...

Perhaps I should set about some time the run of a day to start meditation of sorts... but I never seem to get my brain to slow down enough to do it properly...

I would like to move, to experience a new school, a new city. But that never works out the way I hope it will. Money again becomes the big ogre... how to finance the next stage of my education. I have a provisional acceptance here, and I know they will offer me funding. $7500.00 in fact, so schools form away willl have to do better than that by at least the cost of the move. Not sure what I am looking at in those terms, it is a wholem new aspect of the academic world that I am just not familar with.

i've never been so scared
and i know i might run out of time
i might run out of time
(don't wanna hope cause i don't wanna jinx it)
i might run out of time
(and i know that i might not make it)
i might run out of time
(but i've gotta believe that i'm gonna be fine)
i might run out of time

And perhaps that is the biggest fear of all... time... I turn 37 in April. At best, I finish my degree in five years. That makes me 42 before I start working, which means I will only have roughly 20 years of working, providing, of course, that I find a job upon graduation. Ten of those years will be spent paying back my student loans. the next ten will be spent paying into RRSP's in order to make sure there is something there when I retire... all I can see is having to live life like a student until I am retired, which will most assuredly suck.

Time and money... a future of uncertainty... and a knot in my stomach...

I gotta decide...

Lost

I'm lost... I am completely unable to see around the next bend, and it drives me completely crazy. School has become mediocre as I wind my way through the final semester of my BA... My relationship is good on so very many levels and yet it is lacking in one of the areas that defines me as a person. Sexual tension is boiling over and I don't know what to do about it. We have been living together for nine months, and stopped having sex approxiamately five months ago. She has lost all her drive and nothing seems to be working to bring it back. So I am left in a frenzy of masturbation and anxiety. She swears she is still attracted to me, but just has no want to have any sort of sexual activity. This is where I get lost... attracted to, but not wanting sex... I don't understand... maybe it is a testosterone thing, the reason why I can;t understand it... Sex is an integral part of who I am, and I am terrified that there is a pattern repeating. My marriage was like this. We became rommmates rather than lovers. But in the marriage, we didn't discuss it. because she didn't want to discuss anything until it was too late to fix anything. At least in this relationship we discuss it, but it isn't getting sorted out. There simply are no carnal relations.... and when that hapens... my mind starts to wander... and my gaze... at any other point in my life I may have ended the relationship, or might have started fooling around, or began to find ways out... but I don;t want this relationship to end... I want it to be complete...
I hate not knowing how to fix it. She has talked to the doc abotu it, and was on anti-depressants for a while but she did not find that they were helping her, so she has stopped taking them... but has not gone back to talk to the doctor again, either... this is all fine... it is her body chemistry and she most assuredly has the right to dictate what she does to it. But I guess what I am not seeing is an effort to make things better, to get it back to where it used to be.
I do understand that there is a certain rate of diminishing passion, I expect a little of it, after the honeymoon period is over... but... not for it to stop altogether... I am having a very difficult time reconciling this and I really am at a loss as to what direction to turn, and how to discuss it further, beyond where we have been. I am trying to be a patient man, I really am, but damnit I am getting tired of the twice daily visit with my rght and as well. There is only so much porn can do for you... anyone have any thoughts, similar experiences, fixes?