I Want to Believe

♫I wish I was someone else
I'm confused, I'm afraid, I hate the loneliness
And there's nowhere to run to
Nothing makes any sense, but I still try my hardest

Take my hand
Please help me man
'Cause I'm looking for something to believe in
And I don't know where to start
And I don't know where to begin, to begin

If I was stupid or naive
Trying to achieve what they all call contentness
If people weren't such dicks and I never made mistakes
Then I could find forgiveness

Take my hand
Please help me man
'Cause I'm looking for something to believe in
And I don't know where to start
And I don't know where to begin, oh no

I can't be someone else
I don't feel that it's hopeless
I don't feel that I'm useless

I can't throw it all away
I need some courage to find my weakness
And with your love, I know with all my heart I can win

'Cause I'm looking for something to believe in
And I just need something to believe in
I'm looking for something to believe in
And I just need something to believe in♫

The Ramones - "Something to Believe In"

So, there is this organization that I have an interest in joining, because it is in my family history and would maybe feel closer to my grandfather than I was ever able to get when I was alive. The problem is that you have to believe in a god to be a member. Not THE GOD, but a god, which I can probably get my head around, if they were willing to accept the goddess and the god of Wiccan lore. The real problem comes with the next part, I also have to believe that the word / wisdom of this god/goddess was made known to man... ie - if I were Christian - the Bible, Muslim - the Qu'ran, Jewish - the Torah, etc, etc, etc. Wicca doesn't really have that and any book that professes to have that sort of knowledge in Wicca is usually condemned in some fashion or another, or is truly terribly written. I am not sure what to do with / about that... 

It has been kind of a lifelong search for me... a vision quest that began as soon as I understood that Christianity wasn't really for me... somewhere when I was nine or ten (excluding the brief bought of Jerusalem Syndrome I came down with after a visit to the Holy Land in 1984). I have studied many faiths, Have a BA focusing on Chinese Religions (Daoism, Buddhism, Confucianism, Religious Daosim and more) an MA focusing on a Butlerian look at Wicca, and an incomplete PhD in gender and Judaism, specifically, masculinity in Judaism. And yet, I cannot find anything that fits me correctly. Daoism makes a lot of sense to me, but it is a philosophy rather than a religion. Buddhism appeals except that I could never live out my days as a vegetarian. Jainism I find incredibly interesting but I have issues with the patriarchal nature of its current institutions. Christianity, well, I find the hypocrisy of the churches a little too much to bear, in particular for the big three but throughout many of the other branches as well. Unitarianism I quite enjoy in theory, but my experiences with Unitarian church did nothing to make me feel like I belonged there.   

Ultimately, like the X-Files poster says - "I Want to Believe." I do, I really do. I am envious of those who can believe - who have a propensity for faith. I wan to know what that feels like because I am void in that area. I do believe in the power of nature, and that there maybe a great spirit or spirits that are the soul of the planet itself, but how would I articulate that to this organization? And do I believe in it strongly enough to demonstrate conviction in that belief?

I am truly lacking in this area. I think I am also lacking in the community aspect that a religion can provide. Again, this is nothing new. I have had excellent community around me for many stages of my life, but it was due to a common interest (music) or a common work-world (theatre) or a bacchanalian love of food and drink and/or sex. Those were/are the ties that keep/kept us together. 

I remember being in a creative writing class way back in high school, where Mr. Durant asked me if I believed in god. I told him that I didn't need to because (in a broad moment of bravado) I had faith in myself (I didn't) and I had faith in my friends (I still do). His response was that I was well on my way to being a cynic, because one or the both of those things would let me down eventually. I have certainly lost and found my faith in myself many times along the way, and I have no doubt it will happen again. I have certain friends in whom I will never lose faith, I have certain friends that I have absolutely lost faith in and there are many new friends that I will undoubtedly find faith in, has this made me cynical? No, I think that more than anything, institutions have made me cynical. People I still believe in, as much as many of them may suck. Institutions I have a huge issue in trusting / believing in. Which may seem a little strange, for the institutions are made up of people and are not entities unto themselves, so, therefore, I should be able to have faith in the people in those institutions...

I have never really been good at toeing the party line if it was contrary to my personal ethics and beliefs. Most religions/philosophies have a version of the Golden Rule, and the one that rings truest to my ears is "Do No Harm." It is straightforward - simple and remarkably easy and difficult to adhere to. After all, what is harm? Harm is different things to different people. To me, it means do not hurt anyone physically, or emotionally or spiritually. That is easier said than done. One can hurt another without being aware that they have done so. So I exert an effort to try and do no harm. I try to be charitable, I try to be empathetic, I try to be sage in my words and actions, but I am only human and I know I slip up in that repeatedly. I think the point is, however, much like quitting smoking... never quit quitting, or never stop trying to feel for others... 

Where does this ramble take me? Well, ultimately full circle...

♫'Cause I'm looking for something to believe in

And I just need something to believe in

I'm looking for something to believe in

And I just need something to believe in♫