Getting Back to Basics

(tonight's soundtrack provided by my favorite Bad Religion tracks)

So, why the renewed interest in blogging? Well, some of it comes from my mental state, some of it comes from reading my friend Catherine's "Dear Demented Diary" blog turned book, and some of it comes from the need to express myself beyond my day-to-day interactions ( I will and perhaps rekindle other day-to-day interactions). I have a lot to say about a lot of things, some of it is even sensible...
One of the things about my current job is that I feel I have to be muzzled to an extent - and I can promise you, you will read nothing about my current job within these pages, and I will probably be toning down the political rhetoric as much as I can stand it, but I am bound to slip up there from time to time... can't help it, I am a Newfoundlander after all, politics is firmly embedded in my word view.

wait, the wine bottle is empty, I should do something to rectify that situation...

OK, Petite Verdot opened, now... where was I...

tonight is probably going to be a lot of "stream of consciousness" - it seems the only way I can write right now. I have tried some fiction in the past little bit, but I lose the flow as soon as I stop writing and I seem to be unable to get back to the story that I have started.

I have been doing this blog thing on and off for - well, lets just say that there was no such thing as a blog when I started. When I started I carefully wrote all the HTML code manually, and had to find places to host the site. I have not done much regularly over the past few years. At times it was because I had no idea how to articulate what was in my head, at times it was because I was afraid of offending others. I tried writing pseudo-anonymously but I am not much good at that. What you see is what you get. I  am complex, but pretty straightforward when it comes down to it and hiding under a pseudonym just makes me feel uncomfortable.

A lot has happened since I was writing regularly. My Dad died, I have had a couple of promotions, I have done a lot of soul searching and have not found many answers. I co-own a house with my spouse, have two dogs and have suffered through some major physical trauma and come out on the other side of good... so far. I have watched the current regime erode many of my personal political beliefs, and I have struggled with losing pieces of my identity.

I have watched some friends flame out, some crash and burn, some burn bridges that can never be fixed, and some exceed against all odds. I am at the age where our parents are in the process of shrugging off this mortal coil and it is hard, really fucking hard to not be there for each and everyone one who is going through it.

My brain continues to wander everywhere, though I am able to zero in with painful precision both when I want to and when I want to avoid it. If only I could learn to shut it down long enough to sleep though a night. night. I have a naturopath now, a chiropractor, a physiotherapist and will soon have a referral to Sports Medicine to try and get a holistic idea of whatever is going on with my body. All things are pointing in the right direction, but I remain a medical mystery...

I for realz miss university, and keep having all these thoughts about what I want to actually do my PhD in, as compared to what I started 6 years ago... it is a nice dream, but not practical at this point in time but I do have a few conversations I want to have with academic advisers before I move any further with them.

Maybe it is just because I am on vacation and I am not very good at relaxing that I am suddenly getting the writing urges, but I think it is more than that. There is a piece of me that has been missing since I broke my back all those years ago, and I have yet to find the exact correct outlet. Writing worked for a time but I perhaps lack the required discipline to make it work all the way. I am not good with artistry with my hands. My mind can always visualize something so much more than I am able to produce.

(Soundtrack shifted to Rise Against)

Today was the first step in getting back to nature since I was in Newfoundland at the end of April / early May. We hiked the Skyline trail in Gatineau Park, and it was pretty spectacular, Also I am spectacularly out of shape... so the big goal this staycation is three hikes on local trails, and at least one round of golf. We shall see how that goes...