Classes are done, my last ever at Memorial unless I end up teaching there =) It is kind of bittersweet, and has not entirely sunk in yet. I have three exams at the end of the exam period, nothing I am worried about. We move into Jill's Mom's place for the month of May, I convocate on the 24th of May, my nephew is batized on the 28th of May and then we hit the road on the 31st. The apartment is lined up, On Stanley St in Kingston. Tomorrow I call to try and get the phone, internet and cable set up so that we can arrive and have the amenities all established =)
I turned 37 yesterday. It was a good day, we went and had crappy greasy wonderful breakfast =) and then had a decently relaxing day until we went out to Bitters for a few hours where I imbibed a few Strongbow. We then all came back here to hang out and I imbided much vodka. I am paying for it today but it was needed =) A good time was had by all =)
I will be able to keep my job at Distance Education for the month of May so there will be a bit of income to take away with me at the very least =) oh my email addresses will be changing at the end of April, so please all update to geoffseymour@gmail.com as I have no idea how long the MUN account or my sympatico accounts will remain active. If you are looking for the address in Kingston, email me and I will send it on over =)
that is all for now I think, there is golf to watch =)
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Monday, March 20, 2006
A Revolution Without Dancing is not Worth Having
I just came from seeing V For Vendetta If you haven't seen it yet, go, head directly to the theatre and sit yourself down and be prepared to think about what ultra-conservatism can lead to. Now I know that purists will say that it was not true to Alan Moore's original vision, and they are right. It isn't the same... it is just as powerful, just as poignant, and just as topical as the original was, but in different ways. Whereas the original was meant to be a social commentary on the Thatcher government and what it could lead to if allowed to go unchecked. It turns out that the Blair government is not so different than the Thatcher Regieme and therefore, the message in V rings loud and clear in today's world. There is also a great socal commentary on homophobia, racism, and stereotyping and what they too, can lead to.
The real message is for freedom, freedom of thought, freedom of expression, freedom of sexuality, freedom of belief and freedom of the human spirit. All of these are rights that have been logn and hard fought for, and to let go of any ground in those areas because of the propaganda our governments and our media would have us believe is to lose what it means to be free. Don't let governments into the bedrooms of the people, don't let them regulate a woman's right to choose, or a person's sexuality. Don't let the government, or the media, or the sponsors, such as the major drug companies, dictate what it is you get to see and hear.
At the same time, freedom of speech does not mean the freedom to oppress others with your words. Hate is not freedom of speech, it is oppression.
What needs to be embraced are universal ideals. The kind expounded in most of the world's major belief structures, before jealous and celibate old men rewrote them. Don't do to others what you would not have done to you, or do unto others as you would hve them do unto you, or just treat others as equals, be nice, share, get along.... respect. But don't allow your respect to stand if it is not returned. Reciprocity is a Confucian tenant, but it is there in many other faiths and philosophies. When someone stands to take away your civil liberties, there is no longer reciprocity, there is only oppression. Then the time is not to lie down and take it, but to stand against it.
Ok, yes I am on a soapbox here, but it is my soapbox damnit =) and yes the movie has stirred some of the revolutionary blood within me, or in honour of St. Paddy's day, got my Irish up a little. One of the first areas, along with basc civil liberties that starts to disappear is the arts. Music, poetry, plays, novels have all been vehicles for subversive ideas, and remain one of the main areas that get censored at the first opportunity. If you don;t believe me, ask the musicians in Cuba who have spent so many years behind bars for doing nothing more than playing music deemed to be contrary to the revolution. "Writers use lies to tell truths, while politicians use them to hide truths." There are many truths to be found if you know where to look for them.
I hope that George Bush, Tony Blair, Stephen Harper, Jacques Chirac, and all other leaders who would try to remove civil liberties are made to sit down and watch this. Bush would probably just not get it though... Blair would get it but would be too afraid to admit he was one of the oppressors. Harper would insist that he has the will of the people and Chirac would simply be indignant at beng questioned. After all, young workers should be able to be fired without any reason or notice given, right? (Which, by the way, is a ludicrous way to try and solve your unemployment. It just means that young workers will be taken advantage of, given no job security or promise of future, and companies will be able to fire them at will any time they get to close to obtaining benefits packages. It is a short term solution without any foresight and discriminatory to an entire sector of society... just in case you were about to sing the praises of the French for staying out of Iraq)
There is a frightening rise in rght-wing conservatism around the world right now, brought on by extremist attacks and fear mongering promoted by the media and the drug companies who would sell you no end of anti-depressants in order to mae the world seem less frightening... just don''t let them... it is very hard to kill an indeal, especially one that is in the right... Just remember.... Keep dancing and be free... enjoy the beauty of the freedom and never let the sight of it go....
The real message is for freedom, freedom of thought, freedom of expression, freedom of sexuality, freedom of belief and freedom of the human spirit. All of these are rights that have been logn and hard fought for, and to let go of any ground in those areas because of the propaganda our governments and our media would have us believe is to lose what it means to be free. Don't let governments into the bedrooms of the people, don't let them regulate a woman's right to choose, or a person's sexuality. Don't let the government, or the media, or the sponsors, such as the major drug companies, dictate what it is you get to see and hear.
At the same time, freedom of speech does not mean the freedom to oppress others with your words. Hate is not freedom of speech, it is oppression.
What needs to be embraced are universal ideals. The kind expounded in most of the world's major belief structures, before jealous and celibate old men rewrote them. Don't do to others what you would not have done to you, or do unto others as you would hve them do unto you, or just treat others as equals, be nice, share, get along.... respect. But don't allow your respect to stand if it is not returned. Reciprocity is a Confucian tenant, but it is there in many other faiths and philosophies. When someone stands to take away your civil liberties, there is no longer reciprocity, there is only oppression. Then the time is not to lie down and take it, but to stand against it.
Ok, yes I am on a soapbox here, but it is my soapbox damnit =) and yes the movie has stirred some of the revolutionary blood within me, or in honour of St. Paddy's day, got my Irish up a little. One of the first areas, along with basc civil liberties that starts to disappear is the arts. Music, poetry, plays, novels have all been vehicles for subversive ideas, and remain one of the main areas that get censored at the first opportunity. If you don;t believe me, ask the musicians in Cuba who have spent so many years behind bars for doing nothing more than playing music deemed to be contrary to the revolution. "Writers use lies to tell truths, while politicians use them to hide truths." There are many truths to be found if you know where to look for them.
I hope that George Bush, Tony Blair, Stephen Harper, Jacques Chirac, and all other leaders who would try to remove civil liberties are made to sit down and watch this. Bush would probably just not get it though... Blair would get it but would be too afraid to admit he was one of the oppressors. Harper would insist that he has the will of the people and Chirac would simply be indignant at beng questioned. After all, young workers should be able to be fired without any reason or notice given, right? (Which, by the way, is a ludicrous way to try and solve your unemployment. It just means that young workers will be taken advantage of, given no job security or promise of future, and companies will be able to fire them at will any time they get to close to obtaining benefits packages. It is a short term solution without any foresight and discriminatory to an entire sector of society... just in case you were about to sing the praises of the French for staying out of Iraq)
There is a frightening rise in rght-wing conservatism around the world right now, brought on by extremist attacks and fear mongering promoted by the media and the drug companies who would sell you no end of anti-depressants in order to mae the world seem less frightening... just don''t let them... it is very hard to kill an indeal, especially one that is in the right... Just remember.... Keep dancing and be free... enjoy the beauty of the freedom and never let the sight of it go....
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Happy Trails... again
I am going away... again. I have been offered the MA program at Queen's University in Kingston Ontario. It is fully funded and will pay for all tuition expenses, provide a TA / RA position to the tune of $9000.00 for the year, and also provide an extra $5000.00 in funding. I am excited, terrified, strung out and trying desperately to figure out how to survive between now and September. We are moving up on the 31st of May, we will truck across the island to Jill's Dad's place in Pollard's Point, and then catch the ferry on June 1st, the night time run from Port Aux Basques. after the crossing we will drive drive drive... I don;t know where we are going to be stopping for the night yet, haven't planned that far ahead, but then one night somewhere and then finish the run into Kingston the following day. We have an apartment booked, and I should have enough money to handle the first two months for rent. August is more troublesome, will need rent and loan payments for that, and May is troublesome as well, as we still do not have a place to live for that month... couple of options but nothing definite yet...
My convocation takes place May 26th at 10:00 am. I know I will be able to keep my job at the store for the month of May but I will probably not be able to keep my job at Distance Ed. So May will be extremely tight.
But can I just say....... WHOOOOOHOOOO!!!!!
I also have received offers from MUN and from Laurier, but I have made the final decision on Queen's based on the funding and the fact that it is a one year program, which will get me into my PhD all the sooner. I am wating for the graduate co-ordinator to phone me as I type this, so we can discuss the program, but my mind is set at this point and plans are in motion. Things are falling into place, now all I really have to do is to come up with the $116.95 I owe the school, so that I can, in fact, graduate. =)
My convocation takes place May 26th at 10:00 am. I know I will be able to keep my job at the store for the month of May but I will probably not be able to keep my job at Distance Ed. So May will be extremely tight.
But can I just say....... WHOOOOOHOOOO!!!!!
I also have received offers from MUN and from Laurier, but I have made the final decision on Queen's based on the funding and the fact that it is a one year program, which will get me into my PhD all the sooner. I am wating for the graduate co-ordinator to phone me as I type this, so we can discuss the program, but my mind is set at this point and plans are in motion. Things are falling into place, now all I really have to do is to come up with the $116.95 I owe the school, so that I can, in fact, graduate. =)
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Another day older and deeper in debt
I can't get ahead. I just can't seem to get ahead. The cost of living seems ot keep getting higher and higher, and my paychecks don't seem to be getting any bigger. On top of classes I am now working six days a week, and it sucks. Granted the hours still only total to about 30 but I can;t do much more with classes and homework besides. I don't think I have made a lot of stupid financial decisions lately but it surely seems like I have somewhere along the way. I am in the negative numbers in my bank account and I have to come up with $175.00 extra by the end of the month or I can't graduate in May like I am supposed to. I am two months behind on all bills except light and power... and somewhere in all of this I have to move at the end of april, which will mean a need of a downpayment...
Its funny you know, all I really need is five hundred bucks and it will set the ship right, at least for a little while... I am running out of things to sell, though, and burning the candle at both ends in order to try andf get sorted. Five hundred bucks surely seems like a small amount of money... but when you don't have any, it becomes this an overwhelming amount. I could surely use a scholarship coming through round about now =) but I can't exactly place my eggs in that basket.
I have been invited to present one of my papers at the Candian Society for the Study of Religion conference at York at the end of May, but I can't see a way to afford that either. Fiorst of all there is a 50 buck membership fee in the society, and then there is travel expenses and accomadations etc. this again is an area where the money would have to come from nowhere, and there are travel grants supposedly available through the CSSR, but I can't seem to find any information on them.
I am tired of the money game, it is making me crazy. I don't exactly live a lavish lifestyle, thoguh I am not living a terrible one either... hopefully the new apartment will be a touch cheaper, and hopefully I will get a scholarship or a grant or some such to even out the bills... perhaps is time to seriuously assess my possessions and see what I can sell off, once again, though I am indeed tired of having to rebuild every time... perhaps I need to roll the pennies and buy a lottery ticket =)
Its funny you know, all I really need is five hundred bucks and it will set the ship right, at least for a little while... I am running out of things to sell, though, and burning the candle at both ends in order to try andf get sorted. Five hundred bucks surely seems like a small amount of money... but when you don't have any, it becomes this an overwhelming amount. I could surely use a scholarship coming through round about now =) but I can't exactly place my eggs in that basket.
I have been invited to present one of my papers at the Candian Society for the Study of Religion conference at York at the end of May, but I can't see a way to afford that either. Fiorst of all there is a 50 buck membership fee in the society, and then there is travel expenses and accomadations etc. this again is an area where the money would have to come from nowhere, and there are travel grants supposedly available through the CSSR, but I can't seem to find any information on them.
I am tired of the money game, it is making me crazy. I don't exactly live a lavish lifestyle, thoguh I am not living a terrible one either... hopefully the new apartment will be a touch cheaper, and hopefully I will get a scholarship or a grant or some such to even out the bills... perhaps is time to seriuously assess my possessions and see what I can sell off, once again, though I am indeed tired of having to rebuild every time... perhaps I need to roll the pennies and buy a lottery ticket =)
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Just a glimpse
I am not one for wanting to know what the future brings, even though I do like to plan ahead. I am pretty good at taking life as it comes and managing on a day to day basis. But right now, I would give anything for just a peek at the next few months... say, as far forward as September. If it were September, I would know which school I am attending, I would know what apartment I am living in, I will know what province I am in, and I will know if I am really cut out for this grad school thing after all. (I would also know the results of the NFL draft, and know whether my Jets have even half a shot this year :p)
All Existence is suffering,
suffering is caused by craving,
cravings can be ended
by following the Eight Fold Path
That is the four noble truths of Buddhism, a belief system I am becoming more and more intrigued with. It certainly sums up some of my current situation... I am craving knowledge of what has not yet happened. It is making me nervous, anxious, angry, tired and frustrated. More so, in following Buddhist doctrine, my cravings have to do with the belief that I have a permanent self, which, according to Buddhism, I do not have, but because I think I do, I suffer. The me that is now will not be the same me that is then...
The magical Eightfold path can be found here
If I abide by all of these, then I can end my suffering... do you suppose that is really true? I guess my illusion is that I already live by those things. Perhaps Ineed to live by the precepts as well? But I would make a lousy monk, I like sex too much...
Ultimately, I don't really believe in reincarnation either. I believe we have this one shot to get it right... what I don't understand is why, through every attempt, there is only more challenges, more adversity, more disfunction? Why can't things just be.... righ, for once? To have everything functioning in harmony with everything else in my life... I htought I had it once, but it slipped from my grasp and I was left with a heavy heart and an empty home... I grow weary of character building experiences and all I really want is to settle into a regular paying gig where I can clear up my debts, be able to come home to a happy and safe household, curl up next to the one I love and eventually drift into peaceful slumber.
Are those cravings so very wrong?
All Existence is suffering,
suffering is caused by craving,
cravings can be ended
by following the Eight Fold Path
That is the four noble truths of Buddhism, a belief system I am becoming more and more intrigued with. It certainly sums up some of my current situation... I am craving knowledge of what has not yet happened. It is making me nervous, anxious, angry, tired and frustrated. More so, in following Buddhist doctrine, my cravings have to do with the belief that I have a permanent self, which, according to Buddhism, I do not have, but because I think I do, I suffer. The me that is now will not be the same me that is then...
The magical Eightfold path can be found here
If I abide by all of these, then I can end my suffering... do you suppose that is really true? I guess my illusion is that I already live by those things. Perhaps Ineed to live by the precepts as well? But I would make a lousy monk, I like sex too much...
Ultimately, I don't really believe in reincarnation either. I believe we have this one shot to get it right... what I don't understand is why, through every attempt, there is only more challenges, more adversity, more disfunction? Why can't things just be.... righ, for once? To have everything functioning in harmony with everything else in my life... I htought I had it once, but it slipped from my grasp and I was left with a heavy heart and an empty home... I grow weary of character building experiences and all I really want is to settle into a regular paying gig where I can clear up my debts, be able to come home to a happy and safe household, curl up next to the one I love and eventually drift into peaceful slumber.
Are those cravings so very wrong?
Anger Management
I don't know that I have ever been so angry. The apartment building we live has presented several "unique" challenges to our being able to live "peaceably," and when the fire alarm went off, not one night, but two nights ina row at the charming hour of 3:00am, it was the last straw in being able to live peaceably. SO, we gave our notice, a full month and a half. However, the property management company is refusing to admit that the list of problems are enough to envoke the "living peacably" clause in both the landlord tenants act and the rental agreement with the rental company. The customer service agent gave me the number of the leasing supervisor, and I have been dilligently calling him for over two hours now and he is not returning my calls. This afternoon, we are supposed to sign a lease on the new property, and we cannot get any response from this man. The rental company is insistant that we pay rent for the month of April. (Our lease was to expire in April anyway) I htink I am being more htan fare by agreeing to pay rent in two locations for the month of March. The list of complaints ranges from vandalism and graffitti in the hallways, to the constant smell of drugs throughout the building, to finding human feces all throughout the stairway and all over the handrails, to someone breaking into the laundry room and trashing the washing machines with a crowbar or a hammer or some such... and it goes on really.
To their credit, they have been swift to respond to each individual crisis, but they are not able to find a way for these incidents to stop. It is supposed to be a security building, but it apparently matters not that these things keep happening. The other tenants in the building make this an unsafe place to live, where we can no longer live "peaceably." It is not like we are trying to skip out on the place. We are trying to be above board about it, give them as much notice as is possible to give, and yet, that is not good enough. They are going to make us jump through the hoops, ring the bells and whistles, etc. Well, if they think I will rolll over on this and not take action, they are sadly mistaken. There will be letters to the editors to each newspaper, in particular the student newspaper, being as students are a large number fo their tenants. There will be letters sent to NTV, CBC, VOCM and any other news agency I can think of. There will be a letter written to the Residential Affairs division, and lastly, when they try to keep my security deposit, I will attend a hearing to make sure that I receive the 450 dollars in security deposit that I have paid.
But the gentleman is still not returning my calls. I get his voice machine. So I phone it every fifteen minutes or so, and will continue to do so until I get confirmation one way or the other as to how this is going to procede.
To their credit, they have been swift to respond to each individual crisis, but they are not able to find a way for these incidents to stop. It is supposed to be a security building, but it apparently matters not that these things keep happening. The other tenants in the building make this an unsafe place to live, where we can no longer live "peaceably." It is not like we are trying to skip out on the place. We are trying to be above board about it, give them as much notice as is possible to give, and yet, that is not good enough. They are going to make us jump through the hoops, ring the bells and whistles, etc. Well, if they think I will rolll over on this and not take action, they are sadly mistaken. There will be letters to the editors to each newspaper, in particular the student newspaper, being as students are a large number fo their tenants. There will be letters sent to NTV, CBC, VOCM and any other news agency I can think of. There will be a letter written to the Residential Affairs division, and lastly, when they try to keep my security deposit, I will attend a hearing to make sure that I receive the 450 dollars in security deposit that I have paid.
But the gentleman is still not returning my calls. I get his voice machine. So I phone it every fifteen minutes or so, and will continue to do so until I get confirmation one way or the other as to how this is going to procede.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
| Your Life: The Soundtrack | |
| Opening credits: | Secret Nation - Bung |
| Waking up: | City Full of Cowards - Lowest of the Low |
| Average day: | Gotta Decide - The Soviettes |
| First date: | I am the Man - Philosopher Kings |
| Falling in love: | Bring Me to Life - Evanesence |
| Love scene: | Closer - NiN |
| Fight scene: | Trip Like I do - Filter w/ the Crystal Method |
| Breaking up: | The Scientist - Cold Play |
| Getting back together: | Why Do You Love Me? - Garbage |
| Secret love: | Stand Inside Your Love - Smashing Pumpkins |
| Life's okay: | Bottle of Fur - Urge Overkill |
| Mental breakdown: | The Wretched - NiN |
| Driving: | War Pigs - Black Sabbath |
| Learning a lesson: | Everything - Fur Packed Action |
| Deep thought: | Bach Cell Suites - Yo-Yo Ma |
| Flashback: | Gotta Get Away - Stil Little Fingers |
| Partying: | Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana |
| Happy dance: | Extrordinary - Liz Phair |
| Regreting: | Bleed A Little While Tonight - Lowest of the Low |
| Long night alone: | Black - Pearl Jam |
| Death scene: | Take this Waltz - Leonard Cohen |
| Closing credits: | Bullet Find Me - Bung |
| Take this survey | Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d | |
Monday, January 30, 2006
Gotta Decide
i wanna be somewhere
where i know that i'm gonna do something
i wanna get somewhere
and i know that i've gotta decide
if i can leave somewhere
where i know i might never do nothing
i've never been so scared
and i know i might run out of time
I wanna be somewhere where i know that i'm gonna do something
(I wanna be somewhere where i know that i'm gonna do something)
i wanna get somewhere and i know that i've gotta decide
(i wanna get somewhere and i know that i've gotta decide)
if i can leave somewhere
where i know i might never do nothing
(i don't wanna jinx it
and i know that i might not make it
but i've gotta believe that i'm gonna be fine)
i've never been so scared
and i know i might run out of time
I wanna be somewhere where
i know that i'm gonna do something
i wanna get somewhere
and i know that i've gotta decide
if i can leave somewhere
where i know i might never do nothing
i've never been so scared
and i know i might run out of time
i might run out of time
(don't wanna hope cause i don't wanna jinx it)
i might run out of time
(and i know that i might not make it)
i might run out of time
(but i've gotta believe that i'm gonna be fine)
i might run out of time
Thanks to the Soviettes for this little gem of a song. Kinda what I am feeling career -wise right now. Falling prey to the travel lust that I am so prone to get. Falling prey to want for a more financially stable life... the fear that i won;t be able to find one, the fear that I am not going to cut it in the academic circle, the fear that I have just about earned another totally useless degree... Some big decisions rapidly approaching... some very scary realities... once again having busted my butt for... an indeterminate outcome.
My brain is tired. I know this because I am forgetting things like the date, the time, and simple math... and where I put things down... Today I apparently rewached over and turned my alarm off when it went off... I don;t have any recollection fo that, and trust me, that never happens... I missed my bus, and thus missed my first class which I htink may have put me out of contention for a decent mark in the course, being as the mid-term is on Friday of this week. Now the question is whether I drop it (and subesquently loose $775.00 off my next loan) or stay in it, getting a lesser mark (and subsequently losing my good GPA, taking me out of the running for future funding)
Big decisions
i wanna get somewhere
and i know that i've gotta decide
if i can leave somewhere
where i know i might never do nothing
i've never been so scared
and i know i might run out of time
So what happens if I am not cut out for the upper eschelons of academia? I do excellent research and I write well, but I suck at finding an argument to go with my research. I suck at the thesis part of a paper. Everything I write is too descriptive and not answering enough questions... and I am not exactly sure how to fix that. Maybe it is a skill that gets honed in the graduate level of study... I should be fairly good at it, being as I have just about finished a history degree, and that is what history is all about... but the thesis part just does not come naturally to me. I love the researching part, and I enjoy writing up my research... but I continually get the same criticism of my work; that I am far too descriptive and not argumentative enough.
I am scared of what the future holds. The Buddhists would accuse me of not living in the now and ignoring the world around me. But I don't feel conected to that world right now. I feel disconected from everything... I have definitely lost the Dao, to cross up differing religious themes...
Perhaps I should set about some time the run of a day to start meditation of sorts... but I never seem to get my brain to slow down enough to do it properly...
I would like to move, to experience a new school, a new city. But that never works out the way I hope it will. Money again becomes the big ogre... how to finance the next stage of my education. I have a provisional acceptance here, and I know they will offer me funding. $7500.00 in fact, so schools form away willl have to do better than that by at least the cost of the move. Not sure what I am looking at in those terms, it is a wholem new aspect of the academic world that I am just not familar with.
i've never been so scared
and i know i might run out of time
i might run out of time
(don't wanna hope cause i don't wanna jinx it)
i might run out of time
(and i know that i might not make it)
i might run out of time
(but i've gotta believe that i'm gonna be fine)
i might run out of time
And perhaps that is the biggest fear of all... time... I turn 37 in April. At best, I finish my degree in five years. That makes me 42 before I start working, which means I will only have roughly 20 years of working, providing, of course, that I find a job upon graduation. Ten of those years will be spent paying back my student loans. the next ten will be spent paying into RRSP's in order to make sure there is something there when I retire... all I can see is having to live life like a student until I am retired, which will most assuredly suck.
Time and money... a future of uncertainty... and a knot in my stomach...
I gotta decide...
where i know that i'm gonna do something
i wanna get somewhere
and i know that i've gotta decide
if i can leave somewhere
where i know i might never do nothing
i've never been so scared
and i know i might run out of time
I wanna be somewhere where i know that i'm gonna do something
(I wanna be somewhere where i know that i'm gonna do something)
i wanna get somewhere and i know that i've gotta decide
(i wanna get somewhere and i know that i've gotta decide)
if i can leave somewhere
where i know i might never do nothing
(i don't wanna jinx it
and i know that i might not make it
but i've gotta believe that i'm gonna be fine)
i've never been so scared
and i know i might run out of time
I wanna be somewhere where
i know that i'm gonna do something
i wanna get somewhere
and i know that i've gotta decide
if i can leave somewhere
where i know i might never do nothing
i've never been so scared
and i know i might run out of time
i might run out of time
(don't wanna hope cause i don't wanna jinx it)
i might run out of time
(and i know that i might not make it)
i might run out of time
(but i've gotta believe that i'm gonna be fine)
i might run out of time
Thanks to the Soviettes for this little gem of a song. Kinda what I am feeling career -wise right now. Falling prey to the travel lust that I am so prone to get. Falling prey to want for a more financially stable life... the fear that i won;t be able to find one, the fear that I am not going to cut it in the academic circle, the fear that I have just about earned another totally useless degree... Some big decisions rapidly approaching... some very scary realities... once again having busted my butt for... an indeterminate outcome.
My brain is tired. I know this because I am forgetting things like the date, the time, and simple math... and where I put things down... Today I apparently rewached over and turned my alarm off when it went off... I don;t have any recollection fo that, and trust me, that never happens... I missed my bus, and thus missed my first class which I htink may have put me out of contention for a decent mark in the course, being as the mid-term is on Friday of this week. Now the question is whether I drop it (and subesquently loose $775.00 off my next loan) or stay in it, getting a lesser mark (and subsequently losing my good GPA, taking me out of the running for future funding)
Big decisions
i wanna get somewhere
and i know that i've gotta decide
if i can leave somewhere
where i know i might never do nothing
i've never been so scared
and i know i might run out of time
So what happens if I am not cut out for the upper eschelons of academia? I do excellent research and I write well, but I suck at finding an argument to go with my research. I suck at the thesis part of a paper. Everything I write is too descriptive and not answering enough questions... and I am not exactly sure how to fix that. Maybe it is a skill that gets honed in the graduate level of study... I should be fairly good at it, being as I have just about finished a history degree, and that is what history is all about... but the thesis part just does not come naturally to me. I love the researching part, and I enjoy writing up my research... but I continually get the same criticism of my work; that I am far too descriptive and not argumentative enough.
I am scared of what the future holds. The Buddhists would accuse me of not living in the now and ignoring the world around me. But I don't feel conected to that world right now. I feel disconected from everything... I have definitely lost the Dao, to cross up differing religious themes...
Perhaps I should set about some time the run of a day to start meditation of sorts... but I never seem to get my brain to slow down enough to do it properly...
I would like to move, to experience a new school, a new city. But that never works out the way I hope it will. Money again becomes the big ogre... how to finance the next stage of my education. I have a provisional acceptance here, and I know they will offer me funding. $7500.00 in fact, so schools form away willl have to do better than that by at least the cost of the move. Not sure what I am looking at in those terms, it is a wholem new aspect of the academic world that I am just not familar with.
i've never been so scared
and i know i might run out of time
i might run out of time
(don't wanna hope cause i don't wanna jinx it)
i might run out of time
(and i know that i might not make it)
i might run out of time
(but i've gotta believe that i'm gonna be fine)
i might run out of time
And perhaps that is the biggest fear of all... time... I turn 37 in April. At best, I finish my degree in five years. That makes me 42 before I start working, which means I will only have roughly 20 years of working, providing, of course, that I find a job upon graduation. Ten of those years will be spent paying back my student loans. the next ten will be spent paying into RRSP's in order to make sure there is something there when I retire... all I can see is having to live life like a student until I am retired, which will most assuredly suck.
Time and money... a future of uncertainty... and a knot in my stomach...
I gotta decide...
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Lost
I'm lost... I am completely unable to see around the next bend, and it drives me completely crazy. School has become mediocre as I wind my way through the final semester of my BA... My relationship is good on so very many levels and yet it is lacking in one of the areas that defines me as a person. Sexual tension is boiling over and I don't know what to do about it. We have been living together for nine months, and stopped having sex approxiamately five months ago. She has lost all her drive and nothing seems to be working to bring it back. So I am left in a frenzy of masturbation and anxiety. She swears she is still attracted to me, but just has no want to have any sort of sexual activity. This is where I get lost... attracted to, but not wanting sex... I don't understand... maybe it is a testosterone thing, the reason why I can;t understand it... Sex is an integral part of who I am, and I am terrified that there is a pattern repeating. My marriage was like this. We became rommmates rather than lovers. But in the marriage, we didn't discuss it. because she didn't want to discuss anything until it was too late to fix anything. At least in this relationship we discuss it, but it isn't getting sorted out. There simply are no carnal relations.... and when that hapens... my mind starts to wander... and my gaze... at any other point in my life I may have ended the relationship, or might have started fooling around, or began to find ways out... but I don;t want this relationship to end... I want it to be complete...
I hate not knowing how to fix it. She has talked to the doc abotu it, and was on anti-depressants for a while but she did not find that they were helping her, so she has stopped taking them... but has not gone back to talk to the doctor again, either... this is all fine... it is her body chemistry and she most assuredly has the right to dictate what she does to it. But I guess what I am not seeing is an effort to make things better, to get it back to where it used to be.
I do understand that there is a certain rate of diminishing passion, I expect a little of it, after the honeymoon period is over... but... not for it to stop altogether... I am having a very difficult time reconciling this and I really am at a loss as to what direction to turn, and how to discuss it further, beyond where we have been. I am trying to be a patient man, I really am, but damnit I am getting tired of the twice daily visit with my rght and as well. There is only so much porn can do for you... anyone have any thoughts, similar experiences, fixes?
I hate not knowing how to fix it. She has talked to the doc abotu it, and was on anti-depressants for a while but she did not find that they were helping her, so she has stopped taking them... but has not gone back to talk to the doctor again, either... this is all fine... it is her body chemistry and she most assuredly has the right to dictate what she does to it. But I guess what I am not seeing is an effort to make things better, to get it back to where it used to be.
I do understand that there is a certain rate of diminishing passion, I expect a little of it, after the honeymoon period is over... but... not for it to stop altogether... I am having a very difficult time reconciling this and I really am at a loss as to what direction to turn, and how to discuss it further, beyond where we have been. I am trying to be a patient man, I really am, but damnit I am getting tired of the twice daily visit with my rght and as well. There is only so much porn can do for you... anyone have any thoughts, similar experiences, fixes?
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